Inner Torment
by Tiasha
Summary: For all those who take on the stress of politics so that the people do not have to. This a NONRelenabashing fic. Relena cannot figure out what is wrong with her...is she slowly losing her sanity?
1. Place For My Head

**A Place for My Head**

lyrics: LINKIN PARK

story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!!! Except for Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson.  Please ask to borrow should you wish to.  Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will probably not get you very far in the courtroom anyway.

Slamming her hotel room door shut, Relena shrugged off her pant suit jacket and let it fall into a heap on the floor.  She kicked off her dress shoes and shimmied out her pants, grabbing an oversized shirt and pajama shorts out of her suitcase.  Her nose wrinkled in disgust as she surveyed her small hotel sitting room.  Flowers, they were everywhere, and all insincere.  She shook her head in pity as she moved to the balcony adjoining her bedroom.  Sliding open the glass door, she walked out, ignoring the cold concrete on her bare feet and the sudden breeze that ruffled her now loose hair.

// I watch how the moon sits in the sky

In the dark night shining with the light from the sun

The sun doesn't give life to the moon

Assuming the moon's gonna owe it one//

The moon was full and beautiful, but seemed sad...

_Or maybe just sympathetic, Relena mused as she hopped up onto the railing to sit.  Her legs dangled a dangerous seventeen stories above the ground but she was not afraid; in fact, she found it invigorating.  So easy, so simple, just a good push off the railing and she could go somewhere else.  Somewhere that she was not seen as a prize, or as a debt.  Somewhere that she felt cherished._

//It makes me think of how you act to me

You do favors and then rapidly

You just turn around and start asking me

About things that you want back from me//

Sighing, she looked back up at the moon, deciding that it was not worth it.  That was a selfish coward's way out of life.  Besides, if the moon could survive being accused of owing the sun for its beauty, then she could survive being accused of being in debts to those over-stuffed aristocrats.

"You and I are the same, we are both accused of things we achieved on our own," she whispered to the full moon.

//I'm sick of the tension

Sick of the hunger

Sick of you acting like I owe you this

Find another place to feed you greed--

While I find a place to rest//

"I'm sick of them! I'm sick of them acting like they were the ones who got me where I am! They didn't do a DAMN THING for me! Why can't they just go leach off of someone else?!" she shouted in frustration.  She stared at the moon waiting for an answer.  Silence.

"I'm just...just so tired of all of this..."

//I want to be in another place

I hate when you say you don't understand//

"I wish Quatre was here....nobody but him understands..."

//[You'll see it's not meant to be]

I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy

A place for my head//

"Miss, I am deeply sorry to disturb you," a familiar voice said from behind her.  Relena threw Richard a gentle smile as she moved off of the railing, giving him a curious look.  Preventer Richard Morii had been her personal bodyguard for over two years now and it always seemed he could interpret her moods and gestures, though not all of them of course.  He just always seemed to know when she needed a breath of fresh air, a shopping trip to relieve tension, a movie marathon night, a gallon of ice cream, or box of pizza.

_Speaking of which...   "Is that for me Richard?" she asked, slightly surprised.  She motioned to the Domino's Pizza box he held in his left hand._

A slight blush crept onto his face as he realized he had been caught 'delivering' it.  Before, he would always leave it for her to find before joining the other guards in the hallway of the hotel.

"Oh yeah, forgot about that. It was supposed to be a birthday dinner, since today is your birthday but-" he cut himself off, motioning inside the hotel room.  "Delegate Patterson insisted on meeting with you...now."

Relena nodded and moved to go inside but stopped when Richard cleared his throat.  She looked at him expectantly and noticed his raised eyebrow, looking at her...clothes?  Relena also looked down at her attire before shrugging and continuing inside.  If that aristocrat was willing to disturb her privacy then he would just have to accept the attire that came with it.  If not, oh well.

_Quatre would understand..._

//Maybe someday I'll be just like you 

And step on people like you do and

Run away the people I thought I knew//

"Delegate Patterson, what is the emergency?"  She watched as the delegate's eyes widened at the sight of her clothing.  Oversized shirt and pajama shorts were not the usual attire the Vice Foreign Minister was expected to where.

_Well screw what is to be expected, I wear what I like, she thought with finality._

"No emergency other than that poor excuse of a preventer refused to allow me in to see you," came the snobbish reply.  Yes, Relena decided, **snobbish was definitely the right word.**

"Preventer Morii is a valued preventer and a dear friend of mine," Relena replied coolly, allowing no room for debate.  Delegate Patterson obviously took the hint.  _Thank God!_

"I see, well, I came to discuss with you about the ethnic territory disputes. Now obviously you're in my colony's favor and I was hoping that at tomorrow's meeting we could began on the evacuation plans-"

"Your favor? Delegate Patterson, I am in **no one's favor at this point. I have still yet to hear some valid reason from both your side and the earth's. Now if you will excuse me, it is late and I would like my privacy," Relena answered calmly, waiting for the elderly man to leave.  Relena mentally gagged as the scent of all the flowers mingled together and became slightly overbearing.  Flowers with insincere meaning, knowing nothing of how to make a birthday special.**

_I forgot it was my birthday..._

//I remember back then who you were

You used to be calm

Used to be strong

Used to be generous

But you should've known

That you'd wear out your welcome

Now you see how quiet it is

All alone//

"Miss Relena, there is no such thing as privacy in the life of politics."

Relena narrowed her eyes; how dense was this delegate?  He used to be kind and compassionate, aware of what was going on around him.  She did not recognize the man before as the Delegate Patterson she remembered.  Had everyone she had known changed in such a drastic way?

"I beg to differ Delegate Patterson. Our thoughts are our own. We voice our opinions but not our thoughts. Now if you will excuse me, sir, I would like you to leave."

"But my naive Foreign Minister--"

"Must I have you escorted out of my room, Delegate Patterson?" she asked, her voice as dark as midnight and with an icy undertone.  She could only guess what she had seemed like but the delegate obviously knew when to make hasty retreat.

After the hotel door closed behind the elderly delegate, Relena fell into a heap on the floor, unable to calm her rage as quickly as she would have preferred.  A mixture of violet, red, yellow, purple, blue and pink caught her eye and she turned her head, staring at one of the many vases of delicate flowers next to her.  Picking the vase up gingerly, she walked as if in a trance back out to her balcony.  She stopped at the railing, continuing to stare at the blue vase of flowers.

//I'm so sick of the tension

Sick of the hunger

Sick of you acting like I owe you this

Find another place

To feed your greed--

While I find a place to rest//

In one significant heave, Relena threw the vase of flowers as far as she could, watching impassively as the vase fell and shattered on the walkway below.  She ignored any of the shouts behind and below her as she stared at the shattered blue glass and vibrant colored flowers strewn across the gray concrete.  She stared at the water, coloring the walk a darker gray, racing for somewhere to hide, free from the confines of the vase.  Free...

Her gaze drifted up to the beautiful moon, watching her with such compassion and understanding that all she could do was weep; so leaning against the railing, she wept.

"Why? Why can't they just leave me alone? I'm sick of all this! All they want is some bit of power that I don't possess!" she shouted, tears still falling.

//You try to take the best of me

Go away...

You try to take the best of me

Go away...//

"Why can't they leave me alone?" she whimpered, sobs becoming evident.

//You try to take the best of me

Go away...

You try to take the best of me

Go away...//

"Why? What did I ever do to deserve this? I just want...I just want..." her sobs subsiding but tears continuing to fall like crystals, shattering as they hit whatever surface.

//YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME

GO AWAY!

YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME

GO AWAY!

YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME

GO AWAY!//

"I JUST WANT THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE!" she screamed in heated frustration, a new batch of fresh tears falling.

//I want to be in another place

I hate when you say you don't understand

[You'll see it's not meant to be]

I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy

A place for my head//

"No one understands! I hate it here! I hate this! I just want..."

//I'm so sick of the tension

Sick of the hunger

Sick you acting like I owe you this

Find another place

To feed your greed--

While I find a place to rest//

"I just want a place to rest........just a place to rest...................a place to rest..."

**Owari _(The End)_**

Questions? Comments? Flames? E-mail me at korin012@yahoo.com

I enjoy feed back, really I do! I was disappointed at the amount of e-mails I received....or lack there of. Authoress really does enjoy feed back!  My other works are I Am Series, Operation Phoenix, Raining Since You Left, One Step Closer and For Eternity.  Check 'em out if you like and please review! Thanks! Ja na minna-san!


	2. One Step Closer

**One Step Closer**

lyrics: LINKIN PARK

story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!!! Except for Richard Morii.  Please ask to borrow should you wish to.  Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will probably not get you very far in the courtroom anyway.

//I cannot take this anymore

I'm saying everything I've said before

All these words they make no sense//

Relena stared blankly at Richard as he spoke to her.  They wanted her to cancel the meeting for tomorrow?  She couldn't! If she did then...then...

_What would happen? No one could claim that she had reached a decision and neither side could cause harm to the other without feeling the wrath of the Preventer organization and the sharp reprimand she would give.  No, she would NOT cancel the meeting.  How many times did she have to say it?_

"No, the meeting will continue on as scheduled," she said softly, averting her gaze to the bay window that lead out to her balcony.  The place where they had found her in a heap, crying and shouting a mere half-hour ago.

"Vice Foreign Minister, I would think it best if you took tomorrow to relax," Preventer Richard Morii insisted, ebony eyes pleading her to agree.

//I find bliss in ignorance

Less I hear the less you'll say

But you'll find that out anyway

Just like before...//

Relena shook her head ignoring any of the protests he dished out.  She would not cancel her meeting.

"Miss, please, I'm really worried about you. You haven't seemed yourself lately. Is there anything I should know about?" he asked.

She looked at him and saw SINCERE concern in his ebony eyes, genuine worry.  This was so rare nowadays...for someone to be sincere...to her.  She stared at Richard in slight awe.

//Everything you say to me//

"Miss, has there been a threat that the Preventers weren't aware of?"

She continued to stare at him, confusion taking over her previous awe.

//Takes me one step closer to the edge

And I'm about to break//

She moved to sit on the bed and Richard followed, standing at the edge, watching her for an answer.  Relena merely stared into space.

//I need a little room to breathe

'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge

And I'm about to break//

It was when Richard sighed and sat next to her on the bed, that Relena realized he was a bit closer than she would have wanted.  She still loved Heero and in vulnerable moments like these, Relena preferred to be as far from a male as possible.  She had long ago stopped bothering to find Heero however, it just seemed that her heart would not let him go.  That also added to her frustration at the moment and Relena unconsciously balled her fists.

//I find the answers aren't so clear

Wish I could find a way to disappear//

"Miss, I beg you to take tomorrow off. I promise that the next time I suggest canceling a meeting for other than safety reasons, you can refuse."

Relena looked at him, her throat constricting at seeing the way he looked at her.  Compassion, admiration, worry, concern, and love...in a protective way.

_The way Milliardo looks at me..._

"I just want a place to rest...to disappear..." she whispered, watching as he thought this over.

//All these thoughts they make no sense

I find bliss in ignorance//

Relena wondered if she really wanted to hear his opinion on her disappearing and decided against.

_As they always say ignorance is bliss..._

//Nothing seems to go away

Over and over again

Just like before...//

_It must be bliss...Heero, you never realized how I cared about you...did you?  Relena blinked furiously as she attempted to keep her tears inside.  She failed and a tear trailed down her cheek...then another...and another...and another.  Over and over they fell._

"Miss Relena, please...don't cry...I'm sorry..."  she heard Richard say as he repeatedly apologized.

//Everything you say to me

Takes me one step closer to the edge

And I'm about to break//

"Hold me...please.......just hold me.............." Relena heard herself whisper and watched as Richard hesitantly opened his arms and wrapped them around her.  Relena leaned against him and cried.  Cried for being so stupid, cried for being so naive, cried for not being strong, cried for having been accused, cried for everything she could not ignore.

//I need a little room to breathe

'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge

And I'm about to break//

Relena pulled away from him when he started to rub her back in a soothing motion.  She stared at him in surprise, tears still running down face.  He grimaced and repeatedly apologized, standing and ignoring her when she opened her mouth to protest his apologies.

//Shut up when I'm talking to you!//

"Richard, would you please shut your mouth for a second?" she said in frustration.

He had ceased apologizing but she hardly noticed; she was so upset at this point that she had not noticed him staring at her in surprise.

//SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!//

"Just shut up! The meeting will proceed! I don't need your apologies for something I asked of you!" she shouted at him.  Tears of frustration poured down her slender, feminine face as he opened his mouth somewhat hesitantly.

"But Miss..."

//SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

I'M ABOUT TO BREAK!//

"NO! Don't say a thing! That is the way it's going to be!"

//Everything you say to me

Takes me one step closer to the edge

And I'm about to break//

"Miss Relena--"

"No! That is an order! Please don't make me contact Lady Une and ask her to send a replacement! You're my friend and I **really don't wanna have to do that!" her voice cracked, sore from her crying and previous shouting with the moon as her witness.**

//I need a little room to breathe

'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge

And I'm about to break//

"I'd like some time alone now, please. I really need to get a hold of myself, Richard...**please," she whispered, her eyes pleading for him to understand.**

Relena watched him leave and shakily sighed, lying down to go to sleep.  She closed her eyes, calmed her raging thoughts and counted to ten.

"Now...breathe slow, steady breaths......just breathe......." she commanded herself.  "That's all I needed....just a bit....of room.......to breathe............."

**Owari _(The End)_**

Questions? Comments? Flames? E-mail me at korin012@yahoo.com

I enjoy feedback, really I do! I was disappointed at the amount of e-mails I received....or lack there of. Authoress really does enjoy feedback!  My other works are I Am Series, Operation Phoenix, X-Wing, Raining Since You Left, A Place for My Head and For Eternity.  Check 'em out if you like and please review! Thanks! Ja na minna-san!


	3. By Myself

**By Myself**

lyrics: LINKIN PARK

story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!!! Except for Richard Morii, Delegate Patterson and Delegate Vaughn.  Please ask to borrow should you wish to.  Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will probably not get you very far in the courtroom anyway.

//What do I do to ignore them behind me?

Do I follow my instincts blindly?

Do I hide my pride/from these bad dreams

And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?//

Relena shut her eyes tightly, trying to refrain herself from making a scene.  She knew exactly what the delegates and representatives where whispering about.  She opened her eyes to find many of them still whispering behind the back of their hands, eyes fixated on her.

The meeting was almost over and they were still whispering about the same subject since the **beginning of the meeting.  Her.**

_"---she is so young still----"_

_"-----inexperienced still----"_

_"------stress is already getting to her---"_

_"----should resign from her post-----"_

_"---before she makes a mistake, yes----"_

Relena clenched her fists in her lap as she caught these small phrases.  Perhaps they were right.  Should she give her post to someone more qualified?  Before she made a mistake she would regret?

//Do I/sit here and try to stand it?

Or do/I try to catch them red-handed?

Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?//

"Miss Relena, it has come to the attention of this meeting that your recent...distress could pose a hindrance to your judgment," announced Delegate Patterson.

Relena looked at the elderly man calmly, waiting to hear any arguments or agreements from the other occupants of the room.

"And therefore I move for a vote of nonconfidence. Meaning a new Vice Foreign Minister should be elected."

Relena stared at him in disbelief; had she heard him correctly?  Did he just **announce that he wanted her to step down?**

"What? That is absurd Patterson! Miss Relena is a fine young woman who has been promoting peace since she was fifteen!" Representative Wayridge stated.  "I do not support you in this move."

Relena turned her attention to Marquis Wayridge, her grandfather.  He had become a representative ever since the War had ended, always supporting her and providing advice.  She smiled at him slightly, noting that others stood in agreement with him.

"She worked under the former Romefeller Foundation!" Patterson countered.

"But she promoted peace the whole time!" Delegate Vaughn answered. "Patterson, are you hoping to assume the post of Vice Foreign Minister should Miss Relena be voted unfit?"

Patterson sputtered and Relena watched wide-eyed as she realized that that was **exactly what the delegate had been hoping for.  She shook her head in disbelief; she had trusted him, and those who stood in his favor...**

//Because I can't hold on/when I'm stretched so thin

I make the right moves but I'm lost within

I put on my daily facade but then

I just end up getting hurt again

By myself [myself]

I ask why, but in mind

I find I can't rely on myself//

"As law dictates, Delegate Patterson, this move of nonconfidence will be taken to the Unified Nations Council," Relena said, gritting her teeth and praying that the Council would allow her to retain her post.  There was so much she could do still and her words alone had an extreme influence on the people.  Her alone could do so much. _ By myself, she thought with great pain in her chest. __Heero..._

"In the meantime, I still hold the post of Vice Foreign Minister. And currently, we have a situation on our hands on colony L6-R54692. I have **still not heard a reasonable argument."**

"But Vice Foreign Minister--" one of the representatives of Earth began but Relena shook her head, cutting him off.

"I have thought this situation over and have established another option. When the UNC meets again, I will submit a request for the protection of all citizens' rights to be reinforced. Those who are from earth **have the right to live on the colonies, as do colonists ****have the right to live on earth."**

Relena's gaze drifted to her grandfather and her eyes pleaded with him for his support for a few seconds before looking back at the other occupants.

"I support Miss Relena in this matter."

"As do I."

"And I as well."

Relena closed her eyes slightly as she heard the majority of the room agree to support her.  _ I can't do this by myself. I...._

//I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can't rely on myself//

_I can't rely on myself anymore....not with the way I have been acting..._

//I can't hold on

[To what I want when I'm stretched so thin]

It's all too much to take in

I can't hold on

[To anything watching everything spin]

With thoughts of failure sinking in//

_How can I promote pacifism while I am a wreck on the inside?_

//If I/turn my back I'm defenseless

And to go blindly seems senseless//

_I should leave now...this sudden move of nonconfidence has made me more distressed. But if I leave...no I need time to think of my defense...don't I?_

//If I hide my pride and let it all go on/then they'll

Take from me till everything is gone

If I let them go I'll be outdone

But if I try to catch them I'll be out run//

_I shouldn't stay here; I should bring the meeting to a close. Patterson is just waiting for me to make a mistake and at this point I would rather have him too sure of himself than give him the satisfaction. If I stay I'll just be digging myself a deeper hole._

//If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer

Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer

[By myself]//

"Miss Relena, what **is your current distress?" Delegate Patterson inquired.**

Relena narrowed her eyes slightly at Delegate Patterson, as the latter's eyes held a strange glint in them.

"Is it the stress of this post for you? Or perhaps you grow weary of it?"

//I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can't rely on myself//

"Delegate Patterson, you are in no position to ask such accusations!" roared Delegate Vaughn.  Patterson merely waved his hand in dismissal at Vaughn.

"Well Miss Relena? Are you going to answer?"

_If I answer...I have no idea what I'm going to say! I can't even rely on myself to stand up for me!_

//I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can't rely on myself//

_ Why? Why am I like this? Why can't I support myself?_

//I can't hold on

[To what I want when I'm stretched so thin]

It's all too much to take in

I can't hold on

[To anything watching everything spin]

With thoughts of failure sinking in//

_There is no way I will be able to maintain my position of Vice Foreign Minister...not the with the way I'm in turmoil inside..._

//How do you think/I've lost so much

I'm afraid/I'm out of touch

How do you expect/I will know what to do

When all I know/is what you tell me to//

"Are you afraid that your distress will be your downfall? Do you Miss Relena? You will NOT maintain your position! I swear you will not!" Delegate Patterson threatened.

"Delegate Patterson, should I hear another threat from you I will place you under Preventer custody! Is that clear?" Relena heard Preventer Richard Morii warn.  She had forgotten that he was there, right behind her as he was ordered.  Always present where ever she went, with the exception of her room and the ladies' room.

"Patterson," Relena began, her face expressionless and her eyes dull, "You have always claimed that you taught me everything I know. You are wrong and I must say that your recent threat has placed you in an uncomfortable situation. My distress is my own business and should it be needed as evidence, I will release the information at that time."

"How is it you have so much power?! With the flick of your wrist you could make the whole world bow before you!" Patterson accused.

//Don't you know

I can't tell you how to make it go

No matter what I do, how hard I try

I can't seem to convince myself why

I'm stuck on the outside//

"I have no power, Delegate Patterson. The public merely admires my resolve and determination, didn't you know that? It is not I who make things happen, it is the public. I am merely the person who tries to ensure their desire for true peace," Relena replied, standing to end the meeting.

//Don't you know

I can't tell you how to make it go

No matter what I do, how hard I try

I can't seem to convince myself why

I'm stuck on the outside//

_I'm twenty-one yet I feel as though forty...I've never gone to college, I never finished High school...I will never know the feeling of going to prom....or graduating from High school and college..._

"This meeting is now over. We have reached a decision on the situation of L6-R54692. I am now no longer available for consultations for the rest of the day," she said, her tone enforcing her finality of the statement.

//I can't hold on

[To what I want when I'm stretched so thin]

It's all too much to take in

I can't hold on

[To anything watching everything spin]

With thoughts of failure sinking in//

Once in the privacy of her hotel room, Relena threw herself onto her bed and pounded her fists into her pillows.  Tears of frustration fell from her eyes, soaking the pillow as she buried her face into one.  Why?  Why was she so unstable?

"Would like something to throw to go along with the pounding?" she heard Richard joke.

"No," she groaned, hearing him move.  She glanced up to find him sitting in a chair near her bed.  He gave her a lopsided grin and she buried her face in her pillow to keep him from seeing her small smile.  One could not help but smile when Richard Morii grinned like that.

"It will be all right Miss, really it will be," she heard him say as she began to sob into her pillow.  She had worked so hard to bring peace and now she would not be able to maintain it!

"I'll be outside should you need me Miss," Richard said, "I had better leave you alone so you can get some rest."

//I can't hold on

[To what I want when I'm stretched so thin]

It's all too much to take in//

_I'm going to lose my position as Vice Foreign Minister...no.........I can't......_

//I can't hold on

[To anything watching everything spin]

With thoughts of failure sinking//

_I've failed.......I've failed the public.......I've failed maintaining the peace..................I've failed everything......_

**Owari _(The End)_**

Questions? Comments? Flames? E-mail me at korin012@yahoo.com

I enjoy feedback, really I do! I was disappointed at the amount of e-mails I received....or lack there of. Authoress really does enjoy feedback!  My other works are I Am Series, Operation Phoenix, X-Wing, Raining Since You Left, A Place for My Head, One Step Closer and For Eternity.  Check 'em out if you like and please review! Thanks! Ja na minna-san!


	4. Papercut

Papercut

lyrics: LINKIN PARK

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!!! Except for Richard Morii.  Please ask to borrow should you wish to.  Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will probably not get you very far in the courtroom anyway.

//Why does it feel like night today?

Something in here's not right today

Why am I so uptight today?

Paranoia's all I got left//

"Please Richard, one day. That's all I ask," Relena pleaded as she followed the pacing Preventer around the room.  "Richard, do you have any idea how stressed I am?"

He paused in his pacing, causing her to nearly run into him from behind.  He looked at her and sighed before flopping down in a nearby chair.  She, however, flopped down on the floor, sitting Indian-style while watching him, clothed in a pair of faded jeans and a short sleeved shirt.

"I can only imagine Miss Relena but this--" he motioned to the news broadcast on the television that the two of them had been watching.  "I can't agree to what you wish."

Relena sighed, "Richard, I promise to be careful! You can even dress me up as someone different! I just have to get out of here and go somewhere!"

"But with the card Patterson pulled, the Press will be relishing the idea of an interview with you, meaning they are going to be swamping the building."

"You doubt me," she said in awe and glee. "You doubt that I can pull it off!"

Richard blanched, "I said no such thing Miss!"

"Oh come on! I need to get out of here! Richard, I'm going to blow my mind if I don't get out of here!"

//I don't know what stressed me first

Or the pressure was fed/but

I know just how it feels like

To have a voice in the back of my head//

For the twentieth time since she turned the corner a few paces ago, Relena looked behind her, but saw no one suspicious.  Sighing, she turned around and continued on her trek through the large, expansive mall, a few bags in hand.  She paused in her cruising as she came upon a Gadzooks store.  An impish smile graced her lips as the thought of playing a practical joke on Richard entered her mind.

She and Richard were about as close as family; she thought of him as a twin brother really.  He was always doing something to lighten the mood for her, interpreting her gestures when no one else could.  He was the twin brother she never had.

Relena entered the store and headed towards the gag gifts section.  Her eyes caught sight of incense sticks and burners, resulting in her altering her destination for the time being.  As she crouched down to look at the incense, the feeling of someone stalking her washed through her entire being.  She could almost feel their eyes watching her intently, boring into her curved back as she looked at the merchandise in front of her.

//It's like a face that I hold inside

A face that awakes when I close my eyes

A face that watches every time I lie

A face that laughs every time I fall//

She attempted to glance behind her inconspicuously but she still found no one out of the ordinary.  Other shoppers looking at her to make sure they did not trip while moving to get by, others looking past her at the incense sticks and burners, the salesman glancing at everyone to make sure none shoplifted.

//[And watches everything]

So I know that when it's time to sink or swim

That the face inside is hearing me/right underneath my skin//

Relena frowned at her paranoia.  Paranoia was NOT a good thing at the moment, not with the vote of nonconfidence Delegate Patterson had issued.  How had she become so jumpy anyway?  She had never been this paranoid in her life! So why now?  Why was she so out of character anyway?

She quickly left the store, not bothering to buy anything as her mind focused on those questions.  She honestly had no idea why she was so uptight and losing control of herself.  Was it the job?  It made sense actually, for she then realized in the last six years of accepting the office of Vice-Foreign Minister, she had not once taken a vacation.  Perhaps it was the stress of the job.  She laughed.  It would be her luck to die at an early age due to stress.

//It's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my back

It's like a/whirlwind inside of my head

It's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within

It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin//

She continued to cruise the mall lazily, enjoying her freedom from regulations for this one day.  Midriff top, hip-hugger jeans and a small panda backpack…she could almost be classified as another teenager just cruisin' the mall.  She had received more than a few catcalls and whistles but did nothing to acknowledge them; her heart would not allow her to.

She almost wished that Heero would suddenly show up, she didn't care what his reasons would be, so that she could ask him what she was doing wrong.  To ask him the questions she could not ask anyone else. Why?  What is the gain of her stepping down?  How could she defend herself when she faced the UN council? Relena knew in her heart that he could and would help her, or at least point out her mistakes.  Oh how she wished he was here, if only for a day.

Relena suddenly wondered if Heero would also know the cause of her paranoia.  And then she wondered if Heero ever became paranoid at all.  It seemed almost improbable that the perfect soldier would even become slightly paranoid, but he was human after all.  _He probably does_, she thought to herself as trekked across the mall. _But I wonder if he even realizes it. Is his paranoia worse than mine?_

_Does he even know what's going on? Does he know what's happening to me? Does he even care?_

//I know I've got a face in me

Points out all my mistakes to me

You've got a face on the inside too and

Your paranoia's probably worse//

As she passed a Bath and Body Works store, the feeling of someone watching her flooded her instincts again.  She casually slowed to a stop and stood looking at a window display for a Chesapeake Knife and Tool store, trying to catch a glimpse of anyone out of the ordinary.  She found no one, which puzzled her.  If she had not disguised herself, she would have found it natural for everyone to stop and watch her.  How often did one get to see the Vice-Foreign Minister out in a mall, doing normal day to day shopping?  But she was not dressed as the Vice-Foreign Minister, she was dressed as regular, normal Relena.  She was being herself, not concerning herself with what others thought of her or if she reached their expectations.  She was just normal, regular Relena today.

//I don't know what set me off first

But I know what I can't stand 

Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is 

I can't add up to what you can//

She nervously ran a hand through her recently cut hair and continued on, the feeling now gone, but she questioned if the feeling was only temporarily gone.  She just could not get over the fact that someone was watching her.  It couldn't be paranoia; she was NOT paranoid!  But despite her efforts to convince herself that she was not being followed, the feeling returned all too soon.  This time, however, Relena whipped around and searched the crowd with panicked look on her face.

A man in his late twenties with a dark mustache quickly turned to look at a shop window, but the fact that it was a Victoria Secret store did not provide him with enough cover.  Another man stood out to Relena; he also in his late twenties but with no facial hair, was near a little jewelry pagoda but quickly turned to look at the expensive items beneath the glass counters.

//But everybody has a face that they hold inside

A face that awakes when they close their eyes

A face that watches every time they lie

A face that laughs every time they fall//

Unnerved, Relena turned around and walked briskly to the nearest department store, figuring that she should be able to lose them in a department store rather than the little one room, one floor shops.  She glanced over her shoulder to see if they were going to follow her, and sure enough, the two men were trying to keep pace with her steps.

Relena tried to calm herself by taking deep breaths and trying to formulate a plan.  She had a cell-phone with her, due to Richard's insistence, and she figured that once she lost them, she'd get out of the mall, find a cab, then call him to come and pick her up from wherever.  Coming to that decision, she broke into a run once she reached the entrance of the Lord and Taylor department store, dodging other customers and whacking a few with her bags by accident.

Many gave her rude looks or made crude comments, but she ignored them, her focus being to lose the two men after her and getting to a cab.  She ran down the escalator and took a right, finding the eveningwear section was stocked with some large ball gown-like dresses.  Feeling somewhat childish and earning a few odd looks, she crawled in between a few racks, moving the 'poofy' dresses so that they blocked any sight of her.  She struggled to keep her breathing even and waited, her head throbbing as her heart pounded.  Had she been wrong?  Were those men really NOT after her? She hoped that she was wrong.

Her hope was misguided though as she heard pounding footsteps not long after.  Cautiously, she peeked through the gowns and saw the two men standing in the aisle of the store, scanning for any sign of her.  To her horror, three more men skidded to a halt in front of the two that had been following her, and began conversing on what to do next.

_Oh God! There's five of them looking for me?_ She thought as she watched one of the men bark out orders to find her alive. _ Oh God! Please don't let them find me! Please! Don't let them find me!_

//[And watches everything]

So you know that when it's time to sink or swim

That the face inside is watching you too

Right inside your skin//

The five men split up, four going off into different areas of the store while one meandered slowly away towards the "Misses" section of the store that just so happened to be on the left of the "Eveningwear."  When he had moved far enough away to give Relena a running chance, she slowly crawled out of the clothing rack, trying to be as quiet as possible, and began to tip-toe away.  But something yanked her back again and she had to suppress a scream when the thought of it being the man that had stopped her.  But as she turned, she found that it was not the man that had stopped her but the clothing rack.  Her panda backpack was caught on one of the hooks.

_God damn it! Of all the times for it to get caught on something!_ She mentally cursed as she silently placed her bags on the floor and hastily attempted to untangle her bag from the rack.  Feverishly glancing back at the man, she saw one of the saleswoman, quietly shuffling over to her.  Fearing that the woman would attract the man's attention, she shook her head in hopes of convincing the woman to leave her alone.

//It's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my back

It's like a/whirlwind inside of my head

It's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within

It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin//

But luck was just not on her side today.  The woman came up to her and began to help her untangle herself from the rack, whispering to Relena to leave her bags with her.  Relena watched the woman with a startled expression, before sheepishly whispering a thank you.  The woman merely gave her a benign smile as they finally untangled the backpack.

"Is there any place I can send these to, miss?" the saleswoman asked and Relena nodded.

"Mariott Hotel, the presidential suite on floor sixteen."  The woman bowed and took the bags with her back to the cosmetics counter she had come from.

Once the woman was behind the counter, Relena glanced back at the man only to find him turning around and spotting her.  She and the man stared at each other for a moment before Relena turned and dashed around a corner.  She could hear his heavy footfalls behind her as she ran through the entrance that led back to the mall.  Pausing to get her bearings, Relena looked over her shoulder to see how far away the man was before heading towards the nearest escalator.

It was easier dodging people now that she did not have her shopping bags with her, but the mall had suddenly grown more crowded and as she passed the food court, she spotted a few of the male teenagers that had catcalled her earlier.  Putting on the best fearful expression she could, though it was not extremely hard, she glanced long enough at them so that they would see how frightened she was.  She took a few more strides before she turned around to see if her idea had worked.  Thankfully, it had.  A few of the older teenagers had stood and confronted the man that had been chasing her.  But what she could see beyond them caused her heart to skip a beat.  The other four men were running towards the commotion and one of them had spotted her, crossing over to the other side of the mall so as not to be confronted by the teenagers.

//It's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my back

It's like a/whirlwind inside of my head

It's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within

It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin//

Relena struggled to make her legs move but it seemed that they had decided to root themselves into the carpeted concrete floor of the mall.  Eyes transfixed on the men that were drawing ever closer, she asked herself if she was truly ready to die.  Was she at peace with what she had done with her life?  The answer was quite simple.  Yes, but there was some voice coming from a shadowed face in the back of her head that contradicted her.  It screamed that she was lying to herself, that she was still missing out on some things.  It screamed at her for the freedom to fight back, to fight for survival.  But Relena refused to fight back against these men; she promoted pacifism! Not militarism and violence! 

//The face inside is right beneath your skin//

**_'Run!'_**the shadowed face screamed at her, **_'Run! There's still so much more to live for! RUN! Run or you'll betray yourself! RUN!!!'_**

//The face inside is right beneath your skin//

Relena could feel the lead in her legs seep away and the possibility of escape seemed ever more possible.  But they were too close now, she realized in despair, she could never out run them now.  _Since when do I give up so easily?_ she asked herself. _This is so not like me! Why am I giving up so easily?_

**_'Run! Run child! Run! There's always hope! Run! RUN!!!'_**

I have to at least try! I have to prove that I am worthy of being the Vice Foreign Minister! I have to live! I have to—

//The face inside is right beneath your skin//

**'RUN!!!'**

Running is a good thing! Running would definitely be good thing right now!

And with that her legs were freed from their immobile state and Relena turned running, arms pumping at her side as she dodged less and less people.  She realized that shoppers were moving out of her way now and she tried to imagine what the scene looked like from their point of view.  She concluded that it looked most frightening for these shoppers to find five men chasing a young teenager around in the mall.  She absently wondered when Mall Security would find them.

She found the escalator that led to the mall entrance and quickly ran down the moving stairs, jumping off the last few, and nearly falling in the process, as she took off at a dead run for the large glass doors.  To her horror, she found that the sun had nearly set behind the large skyscrapers and office buildings.  She nearly cried.  With the sun gone, how could anyone see her immediate distress and come to her aide?  She felt immediate betrayal.

//The sun goes down

I feel the light betray me//

Tackling the glass doors, Relena exited the mall and took off towards her right, seeing a taxicab releasing a young gentleman down the street.  She waved a frantic hand in the air trying to catch the cab driver's attention, screaming for him to wait.

"TAXI!" she screamed over the traffic, but the cab moved back into the flow of cars as she stood still in disbelief, people around her regarding her with strange looks.  What was she going to do now?

"There she is!" a male voice shouted over the bustle of people and the horns of traffic.  One of the men had distinguished her from the rest of the crowd and her pursuers began their chase once again.

"Shit!" she cursed as she twisted around and shoved someone out of her way.  Numerous people were shouting at her now, but she could hear those same people later shouting at the men to leave her alone.  If they were willing to tell the men to leave her alone, then why didn't they bother trying to stop them?!  She felt so betrayed!

//The sun goes down

I feel the light betray me//

Drastic times call for drastic measures! Relena told herself as she tipped a nearby Hot Dog cart over, spilling its contents across the gray concrete of the sidewalk.  She heard some colorful words that she made note to ask Duo of once she got out of this mess.

If I get out of this…

The shadowed face was shouting directions at her but her mind was in such chaos that she could hardly focus on maintaining her speed, let alone an intricate plan of escape.  Why couldn't she shut the face up?!  IT was distracting her more than the shadowed figures in the alleyways were.

//It's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my back

It's like a/whirlwind inside of my head

It's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within

It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin//

**'Alleyways! Hide in the alleyways! Hide! Hide! HIDE!!!'** the face shouted at her and instead of trying to rationalize the situation, Relena veered to her right so suddenly that she nearly ran into the side of the building.  As she raced the lengths of the dark corridor, she glanced over her shoulder and felt tears prick her eyes as she saw the men pursuing.  She had a stitch in her side from the entire run and she was not sure how much longer she could hold out.

As she passed homeless men, women and children, she vaulted up a downed fire escape and took the steps three at a time, not once looking down.  It was when she reached the roof that Relena realized that using the fire escape had been the worst choice she could have made.  She was trapped. 

She raced to the other side of the roof and looked down, seeing that she was twelve stories above the streets.  Taking deep, needed breaths, she leaned heavily against the ledge and stared down at the people.  They were so lucky to be normal, she thought in a moment bout of envy.  But her envy quickly vanished as she found a couple of clothesline strewn between the two buildings.

Could she? Yeah, she could but it would take her thrice as long to get across than it would Trowa Barton who seemed to have a natural talent for balancing on anything the thickness of a clothesline wire.

Should she? Yeah, if she wanted to escape from the men.

Did she dare? Relena glanced over shoulder and decided the answer was a definite yes!  And the shadowed face seemed to agree with her too…

Carefully climbing over the ledge, she placed one sneakered foot on the clothesline and slowly placed all her weight on the line.  It dipped frighteningly low but she steeled herself and slowly placed her other foot on the line.  It swayed for a moment as she pushed off the wall and adjusted her balance, but once steady she began to make her way across.  She had only taken five steps when she heard the men shout at her to come back.  She ignored them and focused on keeping her balance.  

It wasn't until one of them threatened to shoot her that she looked over back at them.  One had indeed pulled out his weapon and was aiming it at her.  However, the one in charged yelled at him to put it away.

Relena looked down below her at the other clothesline and decided that it was risky.  What if she did not catch hold of one the lines in time? She definitely would die…  She looked back at the men, and steeled herself.  

Looking at them, she let her weight shift and watched as the world tilted.  She saw a few clotheslines pass by her vision and the next one she reached out to grab it.  Her hand met nothing but air.

Frantic now, she reached out with her other hand and gripped the next clothesline, feeling the slightly taught line sag and cut savagely into the palm of her hand.  Her other hand quickly found itself next to the aforementioned one as Relena's body bounced up and down, slowing to a sagging halt as she dangled a good eight stories above the ground.  Only the ground was the walkway or avenue for some boutiques and restaurants, and now crowded with a bunch of people staring up in surprise at her ordeal.

//It's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my back

It's like a/whirlwind inside of my head

It's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within//

Relena glanced up at the men cursing their luck and she smiled but quickly lowered her head as her vision began to swim slightly.  There were so many thoughts racing through her head that she it was all she could do to concentrate on holding onto the clothesline.  She could hear the astonished voices of the people below her and a few words here and there but all she really could hear was one collective murmur.  And that murmur did nothing to drone out that shadowed face yelling at her to escape and survive.

//It's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within//

**_'Let go and grab the next line!'_** the voice cried in desperation, but Relena tried to ignore it, staring at the red liquid that was trickling down one of her arms, the source being the hand that had been cut. **_'Ignore the pain! Ignore everything! Just run! You must survive!'_**  Relena shook her head, trying to rid herself of the voice but she couldn't stop hearing it…it wouldn't be silenced…the face wouldn't be shadowed and driven away…

_Fine then…if you won't go then I'll just do what you ask so you'll shut up!_ She thought to herself and hastily but cautiously lowered herself to the ground.  She bit her lip to keep from crying out every time a clothesline cut deeper into her injured hand.  It could not be helped right now.  All that mattered was escape.

Once her feet touched solid ground, the face screamed at her with more force than Relena thought would have been possible. **_'For the love of Christ, RUN CHILD!'_** it screamed and Relena made no argument, taking off out of the avenue and to the main street, diving into an unsuspecting yellow cab.

//It's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within

It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin//

"Uh…where to ma'am?" the cabbie asked, looking at her with startled brown eyes.

The question left Relena dumbfounded but the face quickly gave her the answer she was looking for. **'The police station, child...'**

But, Relena thought, arguing with the shadowed face, even **they** will recognize me as the Vice Foreign Minister…

**'You changed your looks before you entered the mall! On top of that, you're covered in sweat, dirt and grime! Hardly the looks of the Vice Foreign Minister…'**

"Ma'am…where to?"

"Police Station," Relena replied in a tired voice, "I've got some guys chasin' me for only God knows what, I've never met them, so could you step on it too? Thanks…"

As the cabbie drove through the traffic to the police station on 22nd Avenue, Relena took off her backpack and pulled out the cell-phone Richard had given to her.  She hit the speed-dial for the number to his room and waited for him to pick up.  She closed her eyes in relief when she heard his voice on the other end; it was probably the sweetest sound she had heard all afternoon.

"If this is a prank call—" she heard him begin to say and quickly cut him off.

"Richard? It's me…" she said meekly, knowing full well that he would recognize her voice.  And he did.

"Miss Relena? What happened? Where are you?"

"I almost got kidnapped…I'm heading to the police station, can you pick me up there? I don't want to go straight to the hotel…"

"Well, sure, of course…but how did you manage to evade the kidnapping?"

Relena bit her lower lip, trying to decide if she should take the risk of him declaring her a nutcase or not.  She decided against it; she couldn't tell him that a shadowed face in her mind told her how to escape?!

No, she realized, not a face one who has lost sanity would see…but the face of…  Relena realized that she must have suppressed the face for so many years…ever since the Eve Wars had ended.  She had had no need for the face until now.  Just about everything she would have needed it for, was taken care of for her by someone else.  She had allowed herself to become something akin to an automaton over the years, not relying on herself, only Richard had tried to help her change that…just like a friend or brother would…

"Miss Relena? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here," she answered.

"How did you manage to escape?"

Relena smiled, finding that this was one face she would welcome in the days to follow, "Intuition and instinct."

"Miss?"

"Pick me up at the Police Station?" she questioned in such a manner that Richard chuckled.

"Of course…Relena."

She smiled at the way he said her name…the way a friend would.  She realized what had been bothering her lately, or at least part of it.  But it was something…and she found a part of her that had been missing for years.

She had found the intuition and instinct that had made her Vice Foreign Minister in the first place…she had found her self…

Heero would be proud to know that I'm on the way to solving this, she thought as she stared at the blurry scenery.  Doesn't he saw follow your heart…or something like that? Wait, who am I kidding? Heero? Say something like that? Feh! Fat chance!

But she smiled and chuckled none the less. I feel better though…this whole thing with Patterson is just a papercut compared to the blows I've endured my whole life…just a mere papercut.

**Owari _(The End)_**

Questions? Comments? Flames? E-mail me at korin012@yahoo.com

If you're into Ronin Warriors or Blue Seed I've got a few works in those categories too. Ja na minna-san!


	5. Points of Authority

_Series: Gundam Wing_ Inner Torment: Points of Authority 

Lyrics by: LINKIN PARK

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom.  If there is any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say it, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

//Forfeit the game/before somebody else

Takes you out of the frame/puts your name to shame

Cover up your face/you can't run the race

The pace is too fast/you just won't last//

Relena stared at the television set numbly, not believing what was broadcasted, no not wanting to believe what was broadcasted.  She shook her head as she balled her hands into fists, her manicured nails biting deep into her skin.  She ignored the pain however, as she glared at the television set in her parlor room.

            "Hey, Lena, it's okay.  Let's just turn the TV off. It's just a bunch of bull that some politician is making up because he didn't get as far as he wanted," she heard her friend say as she continued to glare at the offending appliance.  She finally tore her gaze from the electronic to see who had come to stand near her with their hand on her shoulder.  Quatre Winner's comforting blue eyes gazed back at her and she forced herself to take a deep breath.

            Relena couldn't believe that Delegate Patterson would stoop so low as to make blows at her reputation while she waited for her hearing in front of the ESUN Council.  It just did not seem logical that he would do this!  Especially since his efforts to take her out with mistakes she'd made were being contradicted by her efforts to maintain peace between the earth and the colonies.

            _'Patterson is trying to ruin my name in any manner he can,'_ Relena thought as she glanced back at the television before the screen went blank due to Duo Maxwell shutting it off. _'I just don't know why…'_

            "I think it would be best if you stayed out of sight for a while, at least until the media gets bored with this situation," Trowa Barton commented, and Relena frowned at the suggestion.

            "Yes, well while that seems like the right thing in your mind, ***I* **am not going to go into hiding. I will continue my duties as Vice Foreign Minister," she stated in a tone that held no room for argument.  She watched as he raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm afraid all of you have had little experience in politics. For your own sake, it'd be best if you returned to your own lives and not get involved with mine. None of you can keep up with the pace politicians move at, despite having been gundam pilots."

            "But Lena—" 

            "Please, for your own sakes."

            "And if Lady Une orders us on active duty? Or orders you to stay out of the public eye for awhile?" Trowa questioned her.  Oh he liked to contradict her…and it bugged her for some reason…  But she could not fault him or any of them…they had come to her side almost immediately when the vote of no-confidence was made public knowledge. Thanks to Delegate Patterson, of course.  She supposed that they had all gone through too much to let one of them stand-alone…they had all become friends and she had somehow managed so squeeze into that friendship unknowingly at first.

            Sighing, she glanced at each of them, trying to listen to her inner voice.  Part of her said 'to Hell with the Preventers' but her intuition told her the opposite…  "I'll deal with it ***if*** I have to…"

            Relena glanced up as Richard Morii and Wufei Chang rejoined the rest of them in the parlor.  However before she could greet them, Pagan entered and announced that she had an incoming call.  She excused herself, quickly moving towards her office, well aware that Richard was watching her with concern.  Swiftly closing and locking all the doors, Relena heaved an un lady-like sigh before answering the call.

//You love the way I look at you

While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through

You take away if I give in

My life

My pride is broken//

            "Ah, Miss Dorlain, I'm pleased to see that you have time in your schedule to speak to me."  That voice was one she could have gone the whole day without hearing.  She monitored the frequency to make sure Delegate Patterson was not trying to broadcast or record their upcoming conversation.

            "Well, how can I help you delegate?" she asked in a very formal tone.  Her eyes narrowed as the elderly man smirked, ***smirked*** at her!  How dare he…

            "My, my, so formal…why I merely wished to call and give you my deepest apologies. I have absolutely no idea how that information got out."

            _'Like Hell you do,'_ she thought to herself, frowning as she refrained from calling him a liar.  But she knew how to read him; she knew how to read most people.  It was part of being a politician, and to survive she had had to learn to read people's gestures.

            "Delegate Patterson, in the time that I have known you, you never displayed such hostility and corruption as you have in the past week. When you're colony needed financial aid, I helped, when your economy was down, I helped, but you've never done anything as fiendish as this."

            "You expected me to scratch your back, since you scratched mine? Typical; careful, Vice Foreign Minister, we wouldn't want you to become a corrupt politician, now would we?"

            Relena blinked; had he said what she thought he'd said? "All I ever hoped for was your support for my peace efforts," she said in slight dismay. "But now you've ruined every dream of peace that I ever harbored and cherished."

            Delegate Patterson's face grew dark, as if relieving an old memory…"I hope you enjoy your next few weeks, Vice Foreign Minister."

            "What did I ever do to make you want me voted out of office?" she asked breathlessly. _'Keep your cool, girl. You can't let him see how scared you are. You can't give him that pleasure…'_

//You like to think you're never wrong

(You live what you learn)

You want to act like you're someone

(You live what you learn)

You want someone to hurt like you

(You live what you learn)

You want to share what you've been through

(You live what you learn)//

            "Miss Dorlain, naïve Miss Dorlain—"

            "I can't be voted out! I've done too much for the sake of peace! I can't be voted out! You're wrong!" Relena growled at herself, _'real good, nice way to keep your cool, Relena.'_

            "I'm never wrong Miss Dorlain."

            Relena clenched her fists in her lap; oh how she wanted to scream and call him a liar, but she had to admit that he was starting to scare her.  He had many more years of experience than she and he had ***many*** connections.

            "That could be taken as a threat, Delegate."

            "As could your outburst, right now."

            _'Touché,'_ she thought with distaste. "Why are you doing this?"

            Relena hadn't thought it was possible for the dark look on Delegate Patterson's face could any darker, but he proved her wrong.  It could get darker, and was frightening.

            "It's part of life, my dear. Those we trusted hurt us all. That's just the way it is."

            "But—"

            "Good day Miss Dorlain," Delegate Patterson snapped at her before disconnecting.  Relena stared at the vidphone screen blankly.  What had just happened?  Had she opened an old wound of the Delegate's unintentionally?

            Leaning back in her chair, she studied the ceiling thoughtfully.  Patterson had to have been betrayed before, that was the only conclusion she could draw… But why would he repeat what had been done to him?  Why was he living what he had learned?

            "Why does he now want me to go through what he went through?" she whispered, still staring up at the ceiling.  She was drawn out of her thoughts by a knock on her office door.

//You love the things I say I'll do—

The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you

You take away when I give in

My life

My pride is broken//

            "Leave me be, please!" she said loud enough so that she would be heard.  When no other knock followed the first, she placed her arms on her desk and buried her face in them.  In honesty, she didn't want to be alone at the moment…but she didn't want to end up hurting those who trusted…  She didn't want to be like Patterson…

            "Someone just shoot me," she moaned, closing her eyes.  Relena then giggled at the thought; hadn't Heero promised to kill her? _'Perhaps I should call in that favor now…'_ she mused to herself.

            Her amusement quickly faded and she suddenly felt like crying.  Everything was going so wrong! Nothing was right!  Everything was broken!  Her dreams, her hopes, her pride…

            "I can't take this anymore…I just—just can't take it…" she cried softly to herself.  What was the point?  She should have expected this in the first place; they were politicians after all.  She had just hoped that with the new peace, they would change as well. Oh how wrong she had been!

// You like to think you're never wrong

(You live what you learn)

You want to act like you're someone

(You live what you learn)

You want someone to hurt like you

(You live what you learn)

You want to share what you've been through

(You live what you learn)//

            _'What was the whole point? What—no, I need a distraction. And I think I know what,'_ she thought as she stood to rejoin her friends.  But she paused at the door, her hand hovering over the knob as she heard their voices.

            "I think it's just stress—"

            "But what if it's not? What if there is something wrong with her?"

            "How can you—"

            "I'm just considering the possibilities."

            Relena blinked rapidly and pulled away from the door, suddenly wanting to cower and sob in the corner of her office.  How could they?  How could they doubt her?  After all she had done for them, this was how they repaid her?

            Relena stopped her thoughts there, eyes wide with horror.  She was no better than those other politicians, no better than Patterson.  How could she expect something from them?  They fought in the Eve Wars, they were selfless, and here she was expecting something in return for her own sacrifices.

            _'Oh god…what have I done?'_ she asked herself silently, suddenly finding herself in a corner of her office.  It was there that she crumpled to the floor, pulling her legs up to her chest and sobbing quietly.

            "What have I done?" Relena whispered in soft denial.  "When did I become them?"

// Forfeit the game/before somebody else

Takes you out of the frame/puts your name to shame

Cover up your face/you can't run the race

The pace is too fast/you just won't last//

            "When did I become so corrupt?" she whispered. _'I'm just like any other politician…no…I'm living what I learned from them and—I don't want to be like them…I thought I could outrun the corruption…'_

            "Oh god…why? Why…?"

When had she learned these points of authority? Why had she not been told earlier that this would happen? If she'd been told, she ***never*** would have become a politician…

_'I never wanted ***this***, never this…'_ she thought and dimly noted that thunder rolled in the distance, announcing its presence to her. Almost as if to say…'I understand and they will know of the tears you cry.'  But that couldn't be…could it?


	6. Breaking the Habit

_Series: Gundam Wing_ Inner Torment: Breaking the Habit 

Lyrics by: LINKIN PARK

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom.  If there is any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say is, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

//Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume 

I'm safe here in my room

[unless I try to start again]//

She had to be a sore sight, out here in the rain with absolutely no protection from the droplets of water.  She was dripping wet, her clothing soaked through and hair matted to her damp skin, a few tendrils hanging in front of her face.  But she didn't really care…and it was bothering her, but just barely, like a tiny tickle in the back of her mind that she was able to ignore quite easily.

Thunder rolled overhead but she was too far gone reliving memories to care about the possibility of lightening hitting her, too far gone to care about the present; both were confusing to her, memories and the present, but the memories were far less confusing than the present…aside from those involving…**him**.

But she wasn't thinking about him, at least not really… And memories were far easier to drown one's self in, easier to analyze, easier to hurt one's self with by analyzing; especially when she was analyzing every mistake she had ever made.

Like when she was five and had lied to her **real **mother about being sick because she had in actuality not wanted any lessons from her tutors that day.  And the time when she had cheated on a test because she had been too lazy to study the night before and had wanted to go to a friend's party instead of studying; and then there was the—no, there **were** the **times** when she had thrown a fit because she had not gotten what she wanted.  She was such a spoiled brat…she should have kept that bomb with her for just a little longer, instead of giving it back to Une…

But the crème de la crème of it was, that she had brought all of this upon herself.  She had no one to blame but herself.  She couldn't fault the others for thinking she was safe in her own home; but she wasn't safe, not from herself, not from her own thoughts…

//I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused//

But she was so tired…tired of being placed for the blame of everything that went wrong… That was natural, right?  She didn't know, she didn't know anything anymore.  God she was so confused!  She used to be so competent! What happened?  Why was all this happening to her?  Why were the battles always choosing her to play some role in them?  It was like everyone expected her to know how to solve things, but—but she was just as confused as they were…

Or was that why they looked to her to solve things?  To see her struggle?  To see her slowly waste away as she worked out their problems for them?  No, that couldn't be it…could it?  Oh, she was so confused!

//I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm 

Breaking the habit

Tonight//

"And what was it all for anyway?" she asked herself aloud. "Why did I put myself through all of this just—just to lose in the end?"  She honestly didn't know but—some small part of her had an answer…

'Because you thought you could make a difference in this screwed up world. You never thought that this could happen…you never thought that you would fall……'

She groaned, a hand coming up to her face to smother the inane urge she had to scream.  She was so tired of having to be the one to bring up touchy/tender issues all for the sake of peace.  She was tired of having to instigate the squabbles between those overstuffed aristocrats and politicians.

And then the way she had behaved downstairs earlier at dinner was inexcusable.  She groaned again in dismay as she replayed the scene in her head.

---

"Hey, Lena…are you okay? You've hardly touched your plate?" Duo questioned from his seat.  She looked up at him, then at her plate, and blinked as if coming out of a trance, which she actually had been in.

"Uh—I'm sorry, I'm fine…I've just—had a lot on my mind lately," she answered truthfully.

"That's understandable, but you really should eat something—" Quatre began but was cut off by Relena standing so suddenly that all eyes were on her, if they hadn't been already.

"Thank you, but I will be fine," she grounded out between clenched teeth.  My God, it was only one meal!  But if you added it to the lunch she had thrown up in the toilet earlier, and then the breakfast she had missed…and the previous dinner had not sat well in her stomach either…

"Miss, please, at least—" Richard began, his dark eyes pleading with her in that brotherly manner she both loved and hated.

"Would you all just lay off already?! I don't need you all dictating my life for me! I don't need any of you!" she shouted in frustration.  She froze staring at their startled expressions, even Trowa had managed to raise an eyebrow at her outburst.  Wufei had left sometime early; paperwork at Preventer headquarters was calling him quiet diligently apparently.

Had she just—did just— "I—I—I apologize—"

"It's okay, you're just under a lot stress. No big deal Princess," Duo said, waving the outburst away nonchalantly.  

---

But it **was** a big deal…she had never snapped at them like that.  And she certainly hadn't meant to say that she didn't need them… because she truly did need them, needed their support, their belief in her.

"Damn it! What's wrong with me? Why am I acting like this?" she cursed, running a hand through the tangled, matted mess of wet blonde tresses that was her hair.  When had she become such a nervous wreck?  What had made her so unstable?

'I know I'm not all right… I know something's wrong but—But for the sake of the people and the peace…I have to pretend that I am okay.  For the sake of the peace, for the sake of the people, for the sake of everyone…'

"But me," she finished her thought aloud. "Everyone but me…no, stop it! Think of something else—anything! Focus on anything but that!"  She had to break this habit…had to…

//Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again//

Her hand clenched the handle of the cure she had snuck out of the kitchen.  She didn't think any of them knew she had it, and even if they did, what would they do? Scold her? Oh yeah, like that would _really_ solve things…

But she knew that it was also a coward's way out, a coward's escape from reality…but it hurt so badly, her life was torture now.  And she couldn't think of any other options that she could hide as easily…  And who cared anyway? The politicians didn't, her friends didn't, and **he** most certainly didn't care about her…

_'Just do it, Relena,'_ she thought to herself. _'It can't hurt anymore than your life does already.'_

She inhaled sharply as the sting of metal and flesh overtook her senses, blinding her from all other thoughts but the pain.  And yet she realized, it didn't hurt as much as she'd thought it would…

She sat numbly, holding the paring knife in one hand while the other lay limply at her side; the rain pounded harder as a tears began to leak out the corner of her eyes.  It hurt so much more now, knowing that she had done this to herself and it hadn't even been worth it really.  It hadn't solved anything, only make things more complicated.  God, she was such an idiot… And the world looked to _her_ for advice?

//I don't want to be the one

the battles always choose

'cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused// 

Why couldn't she do anything right?  She always screwed things up in the end…  Why did she even bother staying in office anyway? God she was so confused about everything… All she wanted was to be a little numb right now, and the rain seemed to be helping her.

But why did it seem wrong? Why did her soul tell her that this was wrong?  This was the only solution she could think of right now; amidst all the confusion and chaos Patterson's vote of no-confidence had created, this seemed like the easiest solution.  But the easiest way wasn't always the right one, was it? Damn, she had screwed up again…

//I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm

Breaking the habit

Tonight//

"I don't know what I'm supposed to believe in anymore," she whispered as she watched a small pink rivulet cascade over the balcony.  It started right next to her cut wrist…  She frowned, but just barely; would it scar?

It didn't really matter actually, and if it did, it would only remind her of her stupidity.  It was her fault, everything was her fault, one way or another.  And why was she still holding her position if she was screwing things up so badly anyway?  Perhaps she should resign…

"Pacifism," she chuckled humorlessly.  Pacifism, it was a contradiction in itself, fighting to end fighting. That's all it was, just more fighting…  But was that really how pacifism was viewed?  She didn't know, she just didn't know.

She sobbed in frustration, trying to quell the urge she felt to scream her head off.  Why was she like this?  Why was she saying and thinking things that she didn't **really** mean?  Was it just the helpless feeling that had settled around her a couple of days ago?

//I'll paint it on the walls

'Cause I'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends//

She knew one thing was for sure though; she would never be the same, never would she hold feel as confident in herself as she had previously.  Never again… And this knowledge frustrated and angered her.  Delegate Patterson had stripped her of her self-confidence and she so desperately wanted it back…

_'Stop wallowing in self pity!'_ she silently told herself. _'You've been up against worse odds!'_  But she couldn't help it, she didn't want to fight anymore…not for pacifism or the people…not even for herself…  She had to end this, had to end it once and for all…

She instinctively gripped the handle of the knife, knuckles turning white.  It was all her fault…and…**_his_**…  If he had only killed her when he'd promised he would, then maybe none this would have happened.  **Why hadn't he kept his promise?!**

//I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm

Breaking the habit

Breaking the habit

Tonight//

Hand still clenching the handle of the knife, Relena resisted the frustrated scream that was working its way up her throat.  Why was she so unstable?

A sudden warmth caught her attention; it was coming from the hand that held the knife and as she looked up, fearful that it was Quatre or Duo or Richard, her heart constricted, nearly causing her to pass out.  But she found herself staring in a pair of Prussian blue eyes and she dumbly wondered who it was.  Surely it couldn't be **_him_**, she hadn't seen **_him_** in the longest time.  Her mind had to be playing tricks on her—it had to be!

When he frowned and those eyes narrowed even further, she knew it who it was, knew it was **_him_**.  He was prying the knife from her white-knuckled grip and she watched him with dull interest.  His hand was warm compared to her own cold and wet one, and she bit her lip as examined her wound, his frown deepening.  It pained her slightly when he moved her wrist, but she would never tell him that, nor would she cry out from the unpleasant sting it produced.

"Just kill me please," she whispered, almost pleading with him.  All she wanted was for him to end everything since he wouldn't allow her to do it herself.  When he looked back at her, his Prussian blue eyes locking with her azure ones, she could just barely see regret tingeing his usual emotionless and empty gaze.  And his next words made everything click into place, somewhat…okay, so not everything!

"I already have," he answered before pulling her up to stand on her own.  She leaned against the wall of the building when her legs wobbled and threatened to give way under the weight of her body.  And why was she feeling slightly faint?

She heard thin metal clatter against the stone and cement of the balcony when her legs finally gave and she pitched forward.  The balcony rushed up to meet her but was suddenly stopped by an arm around her waist.  Another arm was hooked under her legs while the one around her waist moved up to hook around her back.  Her head leaned weakly against a well-toned chest as she was carried inside.

"It'll be all right," she dimly heard his voice say and she didn't know if he was trying to convince her or himself.  But it was more likely himself since she knew the truth.  She was never going to be all right…

He placed her in a chair near the balcony doors and quickly shrugged off his denim jacket, which was thoroughly soaked.  Had it really been raining that hard? she asked herself as he shut the balcony door before returning to her side.

"Liar," she said as he kneeled next to her and took her cut wrist once again. "I'm not all right and I never will be…"

She watched him glance up at her sharply before grunting in response to her statement.  All she could was watch him, but she gazed at him dully, not interested in anything involving him.  And why should she be?  He hadn't made contact with her in how long? God, she had stopped counting at eleven months…and that **had** to be a couple of years ago.

Once he stood and moved towards her bathroom (how had he known where it was anyway?), she chuckled humorlessly again.  He paused and glanced at her over his shoulder before continuing, his frown deepening even further if possible.  Her chuckles died once he disappeared in her bathroom.  She waited for him to return before she questioned him.

"Doshite?" she asked, reverting to Richard's native tongue.  She did it so naturally now, ever since the young Preventer had taught her some simple words and phrases she found herself using them absently; and she could tell that Heero had **not** expected her to speak Japanese.  He had jerked back slightly, surprise lightly evident in his gaze.  He now, however, was looking at her expectantly as he kneeled next to her again, First Aid kit in his hands.

"Doshite? Why come back? You're not a Preventer so you have no business of being here. And I'm **not** your mission, do you understand? You don't have to protect me…"

She watched as he reached a hand up to her face as if to touch her, but paused a few inches away from her cheek, hovering in uncertainty.  She frowned at him as he stared at her with longing and regret clearly evident in his Prussian blue eyes now.

"And I don't want you to protect me or think me to be your mission," she said, allowing her tone to grow cold.  Perhaps that might help get her point across to him.

"Relena, I—" he began but cut himself off when he himself heard the strength of the emotion it was lined with.  He was struggling…she could tell by the way he withdrew his hand and clenched his hands around the box he held, eyes clenched shut as he tore his gaze from hers.  He was silent for a long while as he finally set about cleaning her cut and patching it up.  But he was a man of few words, and she had to remind herself of that as she watched him, resentment slowly rising in her.

How dare he waltz in here as if he was coming to the rescue or some sort of shit like that!  After how many years of being gone with no way to contact him?!  No, she wouldn't let him continue **this** habit of his.  Either he stayed for good or left her alone for good.  She was tired of watching him leave again and again…

"I'll be downstairs explaining things to the others," he said once he was done.  He stood when he had finished putting the materials back into the First Aid box and moved to the door that would lead to the hallway.

"You bastard," she growled through clenched teeth. How **_dare_** he!!!

He paused and turned to look back at her, slightly taken aback by her language. "What?"

"You heard me; how **dare** you come here, thinking that you can pull this kind of shit again! You are not going to pull this personal bodyguard shit!"

He raised an eyebrow at her, as if to challenge her declaration.

"I don't want you to! Do you understand?! The wars are over! I'm not a mission! I'm a person Heero! A per-son. Do you even know the difference?"

It glared at her, incensed by her questioning him about his intelligence. "Of course I know the difference!" he growled, fist clenching at his sides.

"Really? Well, you could have fooled me." She crossed her arms and gave an exasperated laugh to emphasize her point.  "Well, since you claim to know the difference. I have a _mission_ for you, Heero Yuy. Leave or stay. Your choice."

His brows knitted together as he gave her a wary look, his posture even more rigid.  Good, he understood what she was asking of him.  This was one habit she could and **would** break tonight, albeit his.

Author's Note: Sorry that Relena seems a bit bitchy towards Heero but come on, think about? For those of you girls who've had guy-friends that led you on and then say 'I'd rather just be friends,' it's frustrating, ne? It was too me, well, first I was sad, then I was confused and then I was frustrated.  In any case, just bear with me, okay? I'm trying to get them to stand on more even ground, it's just going to take a little while.


	7. Faint

_Series: Gundam Wing_ Inner Torment: Faint 

Lyrics by: LINKIN PARK

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom.  If there is any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say is, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

//I am

A little bit of loneliness

A little bit of disregard

A handful of complaints

But I can't help the fact

That everyone can see these scars//

"You thought I was just going to welcome you back with open arms?" she asked before chuckling humorlessly. "Not this time. I've grown used to being lonely and having my feelings disregarded. I'm a politician, I live with it during working hours so why not at home as well?"

Relena quickly bit her tongue to keep from saying anything else.  She couldn't let him see all the pain she had endured the past few years, she just couldn't.  She didn't allow herself to dwell on the fact that she was just something for God to toy with; so why should he know of all the pain she had had to endure?

So, why then, did she have the feeling that despite how well she tried to hide them, her closest friends could see all those scars?  Including Heero?  She didn't want him to!  She didn't want any of them to!  They were too painful to acknowledge!  That was why she buried herself in her work!  It kept her from dwelling on the fact that she was alone!

He was silent and Relena stared at him in anger.  How dare he think that she would let him see the scars on her soul, especially the ones he had left.  She didn't care if he had his own, all she cared about right now, was keeping him from leaving more.

//I am

What I want you to want

What I want you to feel

But it's like

No matter what I do

I can't convince you

To just believe this is real//

"I am nothing to the world of politics, Heero. I am everything they want me to be and everything they want me to feel, whether I like it or not. Patterson's vote of no-confidence should prove evidence enough," she said, hoping to get him to understand why she couldn't take him leaving her life again.  It reminded her too much of how the politicians played her, as if she was their own slave who had to wait on _them_ and _their_ whims.  To her, no one cared about who she was or how she felt…including Heero… 

"That's not true and you know it," he finally spoke, frowning as he did so. "The peace rests in you! If something were to happen to you then the earth and colonies would be at war again! You are everything—"

"Everything that everyone else wants me to be. No one wants the world on their shoulders, Heero, including you and me. But I was the one made to carry that burden…I am everything and nothing. I am everything the People want me to be but I'm nothing to them in terms of a person."

"That's not true Relena!"

"Yes it is Heero! I am nothing to the world, only a symbol, a vessel for peace! I have nothing! And I _am_ nothing!"

//So I let go

Watching you

Turn your back like you always do

Face away and pretend that I'm not

But I'll be here

'Cause you're all I got//

She watched him turn away from her, knowing that he was struggling to comprehend that all of this was true, and let alone it be coming from _her_; she always seemed to enjoy her job and yes, Relena had to admit that she did enjoy it but…

"You are not nothing," he grounded out and Relena closed her eyes shaking her head.  She had always waited for him to return to her because he had been all that she had that helped her get through this world.  His strength and determination always gave _her_ strength to get through anything.

//I can't feel

The way I did before

I won't be ignored

Time won't heal

This damage anymore

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored//

She did not know if she could watch him turn and walk away, still holding the same feeling of hope that he would return to her.  She did not think that his strength would be enough for her to get through everything this world was throwing at her.  And she was so tired of him ignoring her feelings.  Didn't he see that?  Or was he ignoring that as well?

Time wasn't going to heal all the damage he had caused; it was only going to make it worse.  Damn him!  Why couldn't he understand?!

"Don't ignore me, Heero. I won't stand for it—not in my own house," she hissed angrily at him and she watched him slowly turn around to regard her with a look she couldn't quite place.  Was he finally beginning to understand what she was talking about?

"Good. Now, since you seem to have the impression that the public image is really who I am, I'll let you in on a little secret."

//I am 

A little bit insecure

A little unconfident

'Cause you don't understand

I do what I can

But sometimes I don't make sense//

"I am not as secure as I'm portrayed to be. I'm the first to admit it. I am insecure about my looks and habits and everything else, just like any other person. I am not confident in my decisions, not any more at least."

"Then why make those decisions if you have such doubts about them?" he baited and she rose to it, knowing that her answer would prevent her from being snared by him.

"Because you don't understand."  Oh yes, she had snared _him_ instead.  He was _not_ pleased with her answer, not pleased at all.  To him, she had again questioned his intelligence.

"What?" he growled in a dangerous tone but she was not fazed by it.  Why should she fear him?  He couldn't keep his promise to kill her, so what worries did she have?  And if he actually did succeed in killing her, then he would be doing her a favor in ridding the world of her pathetic existence.  Really, the world looked to _her_ for comfort and advice?

"I just do what I can."

"I know that!" he snapped at her but she continued as if he had said nothing.

"I do what I can, despite my doubts and even if it doesn't make much sense. Someone has to and everyone looks to me to make those decisions. And I am blamed for everything."

//I am

What you never want to say

But I've never had a doubt

It's like no matter what I do

I can't convince you

For once just to hear me out//

"You're not blamed for everything. You're never at fault! You are everything in this world!" he protested and Relena shook her head.  Why couldn't he understand?  Why?!  Everything would be so much easier if he just understood!

"I'm sorry, but I am. And everything you and the others fought for is going to unravel. I failed…I failed to protect what you fought for," she apologized, tears pricking her eyes.  She wasn't going to cry was she?  She couldn't!  He would see all those scars if she did!  And she would not be able to convince him to hear her words if she started crying now!

"I fought during the wars for you," he whispered, causing her to look up at him.  His hands were clenched into white-knuckled fists at his sides and his eyes were clenched shut, keeping her from seeing the emotion in his eyes…but his voice was betraying him this time. "I was fighting for you! Your promise of peace—I fought for you!"

//So I let go

Watching you

Turn your back like you always do

Face away and pretend that I'm not

But I'll be here

'Cause you're all I got//

"And that's probably why I just let you walk away all those times," she whispered back, not really knowing what else to say. "I knew that you were all that I had left and yet I let you walk away all those times."

He looked at her, his Prussian-blue eyes boring into her own lighter colored ones.  He was breaking…she was breaking him; finally after all these years!  She was getting through to him finally, even if just a little! But…

//I can't feel

The way I did before

I won't be ignored

Time won't heal

This damage anymore

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored//

But she didn't know if she really wanted him anymore.  After all the pain and heartache, and fights with her brother, Milliardo, about him…  She didn't know if she still wanted him, didn't know if she could ever feel the same way about him after all the pain he had caused her.  Did she truly still want him?

//No

Hear me out now

You're gonna listen to me

Like it or not

Right now

Hear me out now 

You're gonna listen to me

Like it or not right now//

"Relena…"

She closed her eyes, savoring the way he said her name.  She just knew that after all of this, she would probably never see him again…  She just knew…

"Relena, you deserve better," his voice was gruff this time and she sharply looked up at him.  She deserved better?  Better?!  Hell, everyone deserved better!  He deserved a better childhood than the one he had had…she deserved her real parents being alive to raise her.  They all deserved better than what they had been given…

She shook her head; she deserved better? Better than someone who knew how to see right through her? Save now, of course.

"I'm not one you should care for…not in the sense that you're speaking of. I've killed too many people—taken too many lives—my hands are stained with blood—"

"I didn't care Heero! It didn't matter to me! Did you not realize that? All I wanted then was to be with you!" she shouted in anger and frustration.  How could he be so dense?  How many ways did she have to spell it out to him?

He was staring at her in a manner she, again, couldn't quite identify.  "And now?" he asked in a whisper.  She stared at him in surprise before looking away, not sure how to answer this question.  Wow, the carpet looked so interesting all of a sudden…

//I can't feel

The way I did before

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored//

"I don't know," she answered in a flat tone, looking back up at him.  The carpet hadn't been as interesting as she had first thought it had been. "You've ignored how I've felt for how long? I'm not sure if I want to feel the way I did before. All I want is to not be ignored!"

//I can't feel

The way I did before

I won't be ignored

Time won't heal

This damage anymore

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored//

"Relena—I—I'm sorry—"

"You walked away so many times…I don't think I could handle it again. I don't think I would feel the same way if you did…all the pain—" she quickly cut herself off, silently cursing herself for having allowed herself to slip up.  Now he would know of all the pain and scars he had left upon her.

"Relena…"

"I won't be ignored again, Heero. That's why you have to make a choice. You sacrificed so much for the sake of peace…and I sacrificed so little…what I've done—is nothing compared to the sacrifices you and the others have made."

"You lost your father," he stated, and she hated the way he said it as if he were commenting on the weather or something.

"He did it for peace, and now I suffer for him…because I loved him. Just like I suffer for you and the others."

"Why suffer for us? We fought to end the suffering!"

"Because, you can't rid the world of all suffering…not the internal suffering at least. And I suffer internally for eternity. That is the way it is."

"But you can change that, you can—I could—"

"Could what, Heero? I suffered because I loved you—and I still suffer—because I can't—I can't—I can't let go!" she cried out, furiously wiping her watery eyes.  Damn it! She was _not_ going to cry!  She had cried enough already!  And—and—she looked up at Heero only to freeze at the look on his face.

She couldn't define it, nor describe it…but it was plain to her that he was willing to listen to her, to listen and try to understand…  It had taken him this long—did she still want him?  And why was she slowly starting to feel her love for him grow again when she saw that faint look of yearning in his eyes?  That faint smoldering look was going to be the end of her, she just knew it…so why was she so willing to accept it all of sudden?  Hadn't she sworn not to let him pull her in again?

Author's Note: Gah! I _don't_ know where all these intense feelings and stuff came from, but I wanted to put this song in between "Breaking the Habit" and "Going Under."  Yeah! New music artist in the next chapter! {does a little dance} I was running out of good Linkin Park songs to use and try to have a little subtle romance in. NEWAYZ! I hope you enjoyed this one!


	8. Going Under

_Series: Gundam Wing_ Inner Torment: Going Under 

Lyrics by: Evanescence

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom.  If there is any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say is, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

//Now I will tell you what I've done for you

Fifty thousand tears I've cried

Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you

But you still won't hear me

(Going under)//

"Do you have any idea how much it hurt? Day in and day out?" she asked him, clenching her fists.  Why was she feeling like this?  She had given up long ago!  She wasn't supposed to falling for him again!

He said nothing and so she continued. "I'm sick Heero. I'll never get better…and I have to say that it's partially your fault. You know I hate placing the blame on others but—what do I have to do to get you to hear me?!"

"I do hear you Relena. You're shouting so how can I not?"

"Damn you Heero! Don't patronize me!"

"Relena, let me help…please…"

She stared at him in disbelief.  Had he really just asked her that?  Did he really expect her to accept his help after all the pain he had caused her?  What did he take her for?  She wasn't that stupid little lovesick girl who had chased after him during the first Eve war anymore!  She had grown up!  She was over him!  And he didn't care about her the way she had always hoped he would since he always left.

//Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself

Maybe I'll wake up for once

Not tormented daily, defeated by you

Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again//

She glared at him as he watched her expectantly.  That bastard…he _did expect her to except his help!  Well, too bad…she wasn't going to give in!  She wasn't going to fall for him again!  It would only lead to more pain and rejection id she did…_

"I don't want your help, Yuy. I can do this on my own."

His brows furrowed as he glared back at her, "How? By trying to kill yourself again?! Damnit Relena! You need help!"

"Maybe I do! But I want my problems to have nothing to do with you! I can't take it anymore! All these years have been tormenting because I can't forget you! You were in my thoughts all day and it hurt! And now that you're here it hurts even more!"

"Relena, I'm sorry. I—"

"Don't you get it?! I'm already dieing Heero…what difference does physical pain make anymore?"

//I'm going under

Drowning in you

I'm falling forever

I've got to break through

I'm going under//

"I can't have you near me at this time…I—I—if you stay I'll fall again and I don't want to—"

"Relena, you don't have to do this on your own."

"I know that! But I can't have you helping me! I have to do this on my own! I have to prove that I can! I have to! Why can't you understand that?"

//Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies

So I don't know what's real and what's not

(Don't know what's real and what's not—don't know what's real and what's not)

Always confusing the thoughts in my head

So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again//

"You don't have to prove it to anyone."

She gave him an odd look; she didn't have to prove it to anyone? What about herself? Didn't she have to prove it to herself? She ahd to prove to herself that she could get over him! And to do that she had to this on her own!

But…hadn't she been doing things like this on her own for the past few years anyway?  He hadn't been around for the past few years so hadn't she been doing things on her own?  Why did she still have to prove herself then?

He was doing it again!  He was confusing her!  She didn't know what she was supposed to do!  And she couldn't trust herself again…she had to get away from him!  He had to leave her alone for a little while longer.

// I'm going under

Drowning in you

I'm falling forever

I've got to break through//

"Relena…"

She looked up and found him staring at her with a look she didn't dare to define.  She couldn't—she was over him!  He had never shown any indication of being attracted to her!  Why was he making her fall for him all over again?

'_No! You can't let him do this!'_ she thought to herself, shaking her head to clear the traitorous thoughts from the forefront of her mind. '_Ignore him! Shut him out! Just like he did you! Slip inside yourself, girl!'_

//So go on and scream

Scream at me I'm so far away

I won't be broken again

I've got to breathe

I can't keep going under//

She watched him with a blank expression as he seemed to speak to her…but she couldn't hear him...   She had done it!  She had pulled herself far enough away as to not hear him!  She wouldn't let him hurt her or deceive her again!

But why was she suddenly finding it hard to think straight?  Why was she feeling lightheaded?  Why—why—?

She gasped as blackness began to tinge the outside of her vision.  Why was she dizzy?  What was going on?  She couldn't pass out!  She had to stay awake and alert otherwise he would win!  She couldn't—she couldn't—

She was having trouble fighting off the blackness that was enveloping her sight and she pressed a hand to her temple as a severe migraine began to pound against the front of her skull.  What the hell was going on?!

Relena looked back up at Heero to see an expression of surprise on his face.  Why was he looking at her like that?  So what if she had slipped too far?  Why did he even bother to care?

'_Heero…don't let me fall under……'_

The blackness won and as the room and the man in front of her disappearing from her sight, she cursed herself for having fallen again.  She couldn't keep going under like this!  She just couldn't…


	9. Listen to the Rain

_Series: Gundam Wing_ Inner Torment: Listen to the Rain 

Lyrics by: Evanescence

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom.  If there are any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say is, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

//(Rain)//

That was the first thing she heard as she slowly drifted back to consciousness.  That beautiful melody of droplets on a glass pane.  Oh it was such a beautiful sound.  The rain droplets on the windowpane always soothed her…she didn't really know why.  Others had always found it odd…

Once when she was younger and she and Milliardo would go to play with the children from the neighboring village (albeit without permission at times), it had started to rain and the other children had wanted to go inside.  But Relena being the young optimistic person that she was had questioned them.

The answer had been said as if it was obvious…  _"It's no fun playing in the rain!"  "The rain is so sad, who would want to play out in it?"  "Nothing good ever comes from rain."_

She had challenged that by saying that she didn't find the rain to be sad, she said that it made her feel safe.  After all, she had been born on a rainy day, so she felt that it was a special connection.  But not everyone thought it special, least not in the way she had.  One of the older boys had said she was a bad omen and one of his friends had said that she was tainted or cursed since she liked the rain…

She had felt tears prick her eyes and she had brought her hands up to her cherub face to cry.  She wanted to call them stupid and mean but she knew that it was no use…  She hadn't wanted to be like them…calling others mean things…  She just concluded that boys were just stupid that day…

And Milliardo had received his first black eye and cut lip that day trying to make those older boys apologize to her…

A faint smiled touched Relena's lips at the bittersweet memory of her past; why was she suddenly remembering this now though?  She had never recalled this memory before?  But she had locked away many childhood memories just because of the trauma the fire had been to her at her young age.

//Listen listen   
Listen listen   
Listen listen   
Listen listen   
Listen (listen) listen (listen)   
Listen (listen) listen (listen)  
Listen (listen) listen (listen)   
Listen listen//  
  


Relena continued to lay there, listening to the rain droplets; something was telling her to listen, something from within her soul…  So she laid there and allowed the droplets of the storm unlock forgotten memories…

  
//Listen to each drop of rain (listen listen)  
Aaah  
Whispering secrets in rain (listen listen)  
Aaah  
Magically searching for someone to hear  
That story be more than it hides  
Each droplet long gone?  
Can't we stay for a while?  
It's just too hard to say goodbye  
Listen to the rain//  
  


It was as if each droplet was telling her a story…only that story was a memory, an event from her past.  Some were happy, some were sad, some were bittersweet and some were painful...  Like the day of the fire when she sat under the table crying her eyes out because of all the smoke…and her mother had then come rushing in, calling out for her…

'_No…I don't want to see this…please……I don't want to see her die……not again…' Relena thought to herself when she realized that she couldn't stop the memories from playing in her head.  She couldn't stop them, as if someone was playing them for her…as if the raindrops had lost their hold on the story and someone else had taken over and wasn't going to let her go without seeing it one more time._

'_No…please, no more……' Relena silently pleaded with herself._

…she had then crawled out from under the table, crying for her mother who then cuddled her close, carrying her off somewhere…  She could hear the roaring of the fire all around them mingling with the screams of servants as people rushed past them…  She didn't understand why her eyes stung so badly, or why her mother seemed to frightened…

"_Mother!__ Mother!" a boy's voice had called and her mother had stopped running, turning frantically and calling out __"Milliardo! Where are you?! Milliardo?!"_

She had seen her brother approach them, clutching the skirt of their mother's dress once he was near her…  It had been the first time she had ever really seen her brother scared…  But her mother had then shoved them through the doors of a hallway, tripping as on something as she went…

_"Milli!"_ She had cried out, clinging to her mother…  Her mother wasn't trying to run…why?  Why hadn't her mother tried to run?

"No more," Relena choked out, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to banish the memory… "Please…no more…no more pain……I don't want to remember………"

"_Milliardo__!__ Take Relena and run!" their mother had cried, thrusting her into her brother's arms._

_"But—!"_ he had tried to protest, grappling her to him as they stared at their mother in surprise and fear.  What had she been suggesting?

//Aa...ah  
Listen listen listen 

Listen listen listen to the rain  
Weeping  
Oo...ooh oooh ooh oo...ooh   
Oo...ooh oooh oh oh//  
  


"_Now!__ Remember our rules? Don't talk back! It's for your own safety! Run! Take her and run!!!" their mother had shouted and she had cried out for her mother as Milliardo had turned and ran down the corridor.  He hadn't even looked back…why?  She had looked up at his face then…only to have seen tears falling in massive amounts down his face; sobs had racked his body as he had stumbled on out of the palace, bumping into a servant once or twice…_

Finally, a servant had grabbed them and dragged them to a hidden escape route in the wall of one of the rooms…  And they had lost the beautiful woman too, while they had been crawling through the dark tunnel…her scream for them to run echoing throughout the tunnel……

"No," Relena cried out softly. "I don't want to remember anymore…"

  
//Listen (listen) listen (listen)  
Listen (listen) listen//  
  


Relena didn't want to listen to the stories the rain had to tell anymore…she didn't want to remember…she didn't want to feel…

No, that was a lie…she did want to feel…she was just so tired of all the pain…

  
//I stand alone in the storm (listen listen)  
Suddenly sweet I say no  
(Listen listen)  
Couldn't they stay for you haven't much time  
Open your eyes to the love around you  
You can feel you're alone  
But I'm here still with you  
You can do what you dream  
Just remember to listen to the rain//  
  


She wasn't sure when or how she had gotten out here, but the droplets tasted so sweet as she stood on the balcony, sitting on the rail, head tilted back as to catch the rain.  Oh they tasted so sweet…

"Miss Relena? What are you doing out here? Come back inside," she heard a male voice say from behind her.  It took her a moment to register that it was Richard, her bodyguard.  She glanced over her shoulder at him, giving him a curious look.

She then smiled, saying as innocent and childishly possible, "No…"

"Nani?" he questioned her, coming out into the rain to approach her, gaze wary.

"I said no…"

"I know that…why?"

"I want to leave…"

"Leave? But—"

"I don't belong here anymore…I'm alone and…I think it's time the world got on without Relena Dorlain to coddle it…"

"But—Miss, you can't do that—"

Why couldn't she?  Wasn't he listening to the rain?  It was telling her that it was time to leave…it was time……but Richard was not meant to come with her…  That was what the rain was saying…  Couldn't he hear it?  Wasn't he listening at all?

She gave a heavy sigh, turning to place her feet on the concrete of the balcony and push herself off the railing.  Relena gave him a soft smile, nodding her head.

"You're right…I—I—I just want to get away so badly…"

"It's understandable, miss. Perhaps you could think of this as a vacation?"

//oo...ooh oh oh oh oh   
ooh ooh oh oh oooh  
Listen//

Vacation? Oh no, not a vacation…she was leaving……  But he was not meant to come…no one was…

The rain was telling her to leave…telling her it was time to leave……she would wait and plan her 'escape' since that was what it would be with Heero Yuy in the vicinity.

She sighed again at that thought…  And then felt a pang of guilt at the look Richard wore, the trust and belief he had in her…  She was lying to him and she felt bad; Richard trusted her but—but he just didn't know how to listen…

None of them knew how to listen to what the rain was saying, not the way she could…  She'd come back when they knew how to listen……

Author's note: Heylas! This is kind of a filler song! Sorry! It should get better later on! Promise! In any case enjoy! Oh and if you aren't familiar with some of the Evanescence songs I use, don't feel bad.  Some of them I hadn't heard of 'til I read the lyrics. Newayz! Review please!


	10. Exodus

_Series: Gundam Wing_ Inner Torment: Exodus 

Lyrics by: Evanescence

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom.  If there are any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say is, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

//**My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams   
20 bucks should get me through the week   
Never said a word of discontentment   
Fought it a thousand times but now   
I'm leaving home**//  
  


Relena paused and glanced over shoulder at the large house that had once held a sense of belonging for her.  She had managed to sneak out but…  No! She wouldn't have doubts now!  Not when she was so close!  But she had to wonder…how had she managed to slip out with Yuy not even noticing?  Surely Richard had told them all that she had woken but had Yuy told them all about…

Relena lightly fingered the bandage over her wrist…  Had he told them?  There was no telling but surely they would have realized she was missing.  Or did they believe she wouldn't do such a thing?  Granted she had never in the years of her career ever complained or showed any signs of unhappiness but _now_ was a totally different matter.

She had always felt hindered and trapped in this career…and there had been many times in the past few years were she had toyed with the idea of running away…  But now she had to leave, had to get away from everything…

It wasn't like she didn't have enough cash with her… she thought as she readjusted her black backpack. She could survive…and if she limited her spending to about twenty dollars per week she should be fine.  Yeah, she could make it…she just had to leave home…she didn't belong there anymore…

All her dreams had seemed to disappear so quickly in just the one day, as if they had never really existed in the first place.  Yet, she couldn't seem to put them behind her, couldn't seem to let go of those foolish, childish dreams of hers.  So she stuffed them in her backpack along with everything else she had thrown in there and began to dream new dreams, ones that were not broken yet.

  
//**Here in the shadows   
I'm safe   
I'm free   
I've nowhere else to go but   
I cannot stay where I don't belong**//  
  


The sky was still overcast and there was a bite to the wind as it blew, whipping her hair around her face.  She swiftly tied it up into a messy bun with a black scrunchie as she turned and walked down the streets.  It was growing closer to dusk and Relena watched as shadows slowly crept up the sides of buildings as street lamps began to come on.  Those shadows seemed to play with one another, playing such innocent games that Relena almost wished that she was invited…  Such innocent games…

And yet she felt safe, walking along the darkened streets, not the least afraid of the possibility of being attacked; but then she had never been one to be easily frightened in the first place.  She just felt safer with the knowledge that no one knew where she was, that no one was keeping tabs.

She felt safe and free…  Free from all the obligations that surrounded her position—past position—and free from the constraints of having to cater to others, free from having her life ruled for her.  She could live her life as she wanted without worrying of others walking all over her if she didn't want them to.

And now, she realized with a sense of embarrassment, that she had nowhere to go, nowhere to stay.  She couldn't visit Hilde because Duo would surely find out, and Lady Une was sure to have Preventer officers searching for her once they realized she was missing.  She was easily recognized here—everywhere really—and she would have to do something drastic with her appearance to keep from being recognized.

Either that or turn around and go back…but she didn't belong there anymore.  So what was the point of returning to where you didn't belong?

  
//**Two months pass by and it's getting cold   
I know I'm not lost   
I am just alone   
But I won't cry   
I won't give up   
I can't go back now   
Waking up is knowing who you really are**//   
  


God, her hands were cold, she realized as she put down her needlework to rub her hands together, hoping to increase their circulation of blood.  She stole a quick glance at the other two people sitting near her, before looking back at her work.  Okay, so working in a seamstress/craft store hadn't been the brightest idea…but at least she could maintain the craft part of it…

Two months…two months of hardship, frustration, peace and quiet, and most of all—freedom!  She didn't have to ask anyone if it would be all right to have one more scoop of ice cream or if it was too late to watch a movie.  She could wear what she wanted and not have to worry about fashion critics or designer labels appraising her clothing.  Oh it was so nice…

But it was growing a bit chillier now as autumn grew closer and closer…it had been towards the middle of August when she had left and now October would be drawing to a close in a few weeks.  Halloween would be followed not long after by Thanksgiving.

With a small pang of sadness in her heart, Relena realized for the first time that she wouldn't be spending those holidays with her brother, Milliardo…or with Noin…or even Richard…it would be one of the first holidays she would be spending by herself.  Sad when one thought about it and the thought was almost suffocating to her. She suddenly felt lost and helpless, not knowing how she would deal with such holidays all by herself.

But she wasn't lost, she told herself as she accidentally pricked herself with the needle and stuck the wounded digit into her mouth, sucking away the blood before continuing.  No, not lost…just alone and that wasn't so bad.  She had made it this far, damn it!  She couldn't just give up and let all of what she had achieved within the past two months be all for not!  She was just discovering things about herself that she hadn't known before…

She was a fairly good artist if she did say so for herself, with all humility present of course.  Watercolor was one of her favorite mediums to work with, though it was a hard one to master.  Pen and ink was hard too, in her opinion, but she continued with it as she did with charcoal, pencil and pastels.  Arcylics were so-so in her book…  And to think she never would have discovered her artistic ability if she had just stayed in that suffocating life she had been in.

No, she was better off here, earning her living like everyone else.  Her artwork brought in a fairly nice salary when it did sell, and by working at this craft store, she could all her supplies at a decent discount.  Not only that but she could display her work with the hopes of drawing customers into the store.

//**Here in the shadows   
I'm safe   
I'm free   
I've nowhere else to go but   
I cannot stay where I don't belong**//

"Rin, could you go check and see if we have any of this thread in the back?" her manager asked, handing an almost-empty spool of thread to her.  Relena nodded, placing her needlework under the counter of where she was.  Smiling at the customer who needed more thread, she excused herself and went to the back.

Once among the boxes of inventory, she leaned against the back wall, taking deep breaths to calm her rapidly beating heart.  She allowed the quietness of the storage room and shadows to slide over her, drinking in the calming effect they always had on her.  She always felt safe here, in the shadows.  No impending doom could be seen, nor stereotypes…she could just be herself…always accepted for who she was… 

//**In the shadows   
I'm safe   
I'm free   
I've nowhere else to go but   
I cannot stay here, no**//

Steeling herself, she fetched the new spool of thread and went back outside, smiling as she handed it to the elderly customer.  The elder woman was a frequent customer and Relena admired her.  The woman had been suffering from an illness (cancer, she believed) and spent most of her days quilting or doing needlework.  The woman would not let go of life and Relena always smiled at the woman's determination.

"Here you are ma'ma," Relena said, still smiling.  The other woman gratefully took the new spool of thread and moved off towards the fabric section of the craft store.  Looking for new fabric to start a new project no doubt.

"Rin, you can go home now if you want. We're going to close a little early today and you've worked so hard this past week."

She looked up at her manager's sincere face in surprise. "You don't want me to close?"

The woman with strawberry-bonde hair shook her head neagatively. "You've been doing it for the past week. Let one of the other employees get a turn."

Slowly nodding, Relena began to pack her things and found herself walking home ten minutes later.  The sun was setting and casting shadows everywhere and Relena remembered that rainy day when she had run away…  She couldn't stay there, she knew that and she couldn't go back…

  
//**Show me the shadow where true meaning lies   
So much more is made in empty eyes**//

So why did she feel so out of place at times?  Why did it feel like it had been wrong?  She needed someone to tell her that she had done the right thing…

Or maybe she just needed to encounter more hardships to appreciate life a little more….

She honestly didn't know anymore…  And she severely wished that someone would guide her to the path where she needed to be…


	11. Missing

_Series: Gundam Wing_ Inner Torment: Missing 

Lyrics by: Evanescence

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom.  If there are any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say is, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

//**Please, please forgive me  
But I won't be home again   
Maybe someday you'll have woke up  
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:   
"Isn't something missing?"**//  
  


Relena half-heartedly ate her turkey, mashed potatos, carrots, yams and dressing.  It was Thanksgiving and as she sat in the silence of her apartment, she only felt more alone than she had when she had gone to the supermarket to pick up dinner from the take-out section.  She should have been with her family, or her friends at least…yet she was alone.

With a sigh, she put down her fork and looked around the room sadly.  She couldn't go back, she reiterated to herself for the thousandth time that day.  While she felt alone here on such days, she knew that if she went back she would be _nothing_…

So every night, she told her family and friends in her prayers that she wouldn't be home for a long while…  She asked them to be able to forgive her she did ever return.  And inevitably her thoughts would stray to a certain young man…

She wondered if he had even bothered trying to search for her, for she knew that if he tried hard enough he would be able to find her.  Her luck may have been good, but it wasn't _that_ good…  Had he bothered to try?  Did he ever think about her and whether she was all right or not?  Did he ever wonder if something was missing? Like she did…?

  
//**You won't cry for my absence, I know -   
You forgot me long ago  
Am I that unimportant...?  
Am I so insignificant...?   
Isn't something missing?   
Isn't someone missing me?/**/  
  


With a growl of frustration, she pushed back unwanted tears as a depression hovered over her, barely touching her, as if waiting for a moment of weakness so it could descend upon her and make her a pitiful creature.  She would not succumb to it…would not allow it the chance to entice her to succumb to it…  And so she forced those dangerous thoughts aside, focusing once again on her meal as she picked up her fork and speared a few carrots with it.

_'He doesn't care,'_ she told herself. _'You know that. He doesn't miss you, or care for you the way you want him to. He's most likely forgotten all about you by now.'_  Her attention was effectively drawn towards the television as the re-run she had been watching cut out and was replaced with a "Special Announcement."

_'Ha! Special Announcement my ass!'_ she thought derisively as she watched the President approach the podium all cameras seemed to be focused on.  If she had stayed, Relena would be following the President's speech with one of her own, but this year…  No, the people would hear no speech from her about the 'specialness' of the holiday.  She smiled and chuckled at the new word she had created…  If she was back in her old life, she most likely never would have thought of it…

She half-listened to the President's speech about how wonderful it was to be able to spend Thanksgiving with loved ones.  Her thoughts turned inward as she wondered if _any_ of her friends were worried or missing her.  Was she really that easy to forget?  That insignificant to their lives?  Wasn't there someone out there who was missing her?

//**Even though I'd be sacrificed   
You won't try for me, not now  
Though I'd die to know you love me  
I'm all alone  
Isn't someone missing me?/**/  
  


A frustrated sigh escaped her lips as she stood and gathered her dinner to take into the kitchen.  She dumped the food into plastic Tupperware and placed them in the refrigerator before placing her plate in the sink.  She started filling the sink with hot water and liquid dish soap, trying to get her mind off of the disturbing path it had taken.

If she were to suddenly show up again and then something were to happen to her, where she would end up being sacrificed…would he bother to come save her?  After she had abandoned them the way she had, would they try to help her?

"No, why would they?" she asked aloud, only to be greeted with silence.  _'Get off this Relena! You're stronger than this!'_

She was successful for all of five minutes; her mind was wandering once again as she mechanically went about cleaning the dishes.  Had he ever cared?  If not the way she did for him, then what about as a friend?  Wasn't she worth something to him?  Oh, what she would give to understand that man's reasoning it came to saving her.  All the times he had protected her and saved her from kidnappers…she couldn't figure out why he had.

There had been a time when she had thought that he had done it out love…but those days were gone, only to be replaced with the notion that he cared for her as a friend.  And sadly, those days had dwindled in their numbers to be replaced with the cold, stoic notion that he protected her because she was important to the peace.  He saw her as the symbol everyone else had…  She was the personification of peace to everyone…including him.

It had hurt… It still hurt…  "Why can't I get over you?"

Again, silence answered her.  God, she felt so alone right now…  _'Doesn't someone miss me?'_

  
//**Please, please forgive me  
But I won't be home again   
I know what you do to yourself  
Shudder deep and cry out:   
"Isn't something missing?   
Isn't someone missing me?"**//

A small, sad smile graced her lips as she surmised what her brother's reaction had been upon him being informed of her disappearance.  He must have been furious!  He must have been furious at her, the Preventer Organization…and at **him**.

She had never been able to understand her brother's…well, she didn't really know what to call it.  She knew that Milliardo respected Heero as a fellow soldier and pilot; but when it came to her, Milliardo was always reluctant and wary in the giving the young man a chance.  Though it was not like he could do anything to Heero since one was on Earth and the other was on Mars…  Milliardo was just protective of her, she guessed; in fact, the more she thought about, Milliardo had always been wary of anyone she dealt with or attempted to have some kind of relationship with.  He had been that way towards Richard, her _bodyguard_!

_'Oh, he must have been livid…'_ she thought, still smiling that sad smile of hers.  Then she frowned. _'I hope he's doing all right…He and Noin always did come back to Earth for the Holidays…I wonder if they know that I miss them…'_

 //**Even though I'd be sacrificed  
You won't try for me, not now   
Though I'd die to know you love me  
I'm all alone  
Isn't someone missing me?/**/  
  


_'Do they miss me? Have they given up already?'_

A sardonic smile graced her face at the sudden thought that occurred to her. _'Has he killed Heero yet for having let me slip by him?'_

  
//**And if I bleed, I'll bleed  
Knowing you don't care  
And if I sleep just to dream of you   
And wake without you there  
Isn't something missing?   
Isn't something... **//

Relena cursed and yanked her hand out of the soapy water, blood tripping from her hand to turn the soap suds a sickening pink.  She shouldn't have let her thoughts wander like that…and she should have known better than to be so careless with searching for the silverware in the water.

Still cursing herself for her stupidity, she grabbed a few paper towels and raced for her bathroom, turning on the water once she reached the sink.  While holding the cut digit under the cold water, she searched under the sink with the other for the First Aid kit that she kept there.  Once blood had stopped flowing and began to clot, she examined the wound and frowned.  It wasn't too deep, thankfully.  She'd had worse injuries from her stitching!

With a sigh, she bandaged her wounded finger.  Her eyes fell to her wrist, the thin pale scar contrasting against the rest of her skin greatly.  She normally wore bracelets to help conceal the scar due to its tendency to be noticeable.  _'He hadn't cared about **you** when he bandaged it, only the **symbol** that you were.'_

Shaking her head, she flicked the lights off and left her bathroom to return to the kitchen to finish the dishes.  Not long after she found herself crawling into bed, wanting to get some sleep before waking up early to hit the stores first thing in the morning.

Before her head hit the pillow, she prayed that she would have a dreamless sleep.  She was so tired of dreaming dreams that involved **him** and what had been possible futures, only to wake and realize, as well as remember, that she would not be seeing him or any of the others again.  It was so hard in the mornings…  After a night of dreaming of him and then waking to realize he would never be by her side, only intensified her loneliness.  She always felt that something was missing.

//**Even though I'd be sacrificed  
You won't try for me, not now   
Though I'd die to know you love me  
I'm all alone  
Isn't someone missing me?/**/

_'Heero…do you ever think of me?'_


	12. Farther Away

_Series: Gundam Wing_ Inner Torment: Farther Away 

Lyrics by: Evanescence

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom. If there are any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say is, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

Author's Note: Sorry for the lack of updates. My muses were on vacation…

**I took their smiles and I made them mine.  
I, I sold my soul just to hide the light.  
And now I see what I really am,  
A thief, a whore, and a liar  
  
**

_'I can't believe that I thought it was even remotely possible…'_

A small sad smile graced her lips as she watched the young couple greet her with such formality and civility that it was almost sickening. There was no familiarity in it, nothing that hinted at the friendship she had shared with them nearly six months ago. Had they really been that upset at her for disappearing?

She supposed that they hadn't known her all that well, but then how could they have? She had played her role so well that everyone had believed that the Relena Dorlain they saw on the television was what she was truly like. Even those whom she had considered friends had not been able to believe that the pressure was getting to her… She had hid herself so well…

The sudden realization was absolutely and utterly nauseating; she had hid her soul from those she had so desperately wanted to call 'her friends,' and had taken their 'friendship' for granted so easily when they had given it to her…

_'I'm a thief…a whore…I've lied to them and myself…'_

Her stomach churned at that thought and so she distracted herself by glancing about the room, driving her attention away from the fraud that she was. Her eyes rested on a painstakingly familiar figure, his uniform tapering his slim, built body so beautifully that her breath caught in her throat.

**I run to you,**

**Far away from this town  
Call out your name,  
Hearing nothing, giving in**

**I see you there, father away**

Surely he would acknowledge her the same as he always had, albeit indifferent and somewhat cold, but the same as before nonetheless. Her hopes rose at that thought and so she moved through the crowd of the party, excusing herself as she went. He had yet to notice her moving in his direction, which was somewhat odd. He had always been so observant, or so she had remembered him to be… And she was not gaining any distance it seemed either, yet she _was_ moving, she realized with a glance over her shoulder.

Turning back around, she called out to the young man when he seemed to be leaving. She began to force her way past others, heedless of their surprised remarks and startled gasps. She called out again and again for him to wait for her, crying out that she needed to speak with him.

Yet he seemed to hear nothing, and she felt the first tendrils of defeat ease around her heart. He could not hear her…he could not hear and he was leaving her… It left her heart aching, an icy vice squeezing it harder with each minute as the distance between them grew larger and larger.

Defeat finally grasped her and she stopped pushing her way past people. She stood there, watching him stop to speak with Lady Une and Chang Wufei. They seemed so much farther away than they actually were… Especially _him_…

**I'm numb to you - numb and deaf and blind.  
You give me all but the reason why.  
I reach but I feel only air at night.  
Not you, not love, just nothing**

She felt numb as she watched him, wondering if he had truly not heard her…or if he had been ignoring her. Well, she would show him, she thought determinedly and once again made her way towards him. She had just passed a few people when someone grabbed her arm and she glanced over her shoulder. It was _him_… She frowned, trying to yank her arm free and ignore him.

"Where the Hell have you been?" he demanded harshly and she blinked, trying to figure out if he was speaking of the past six months or past six minutes. She opted for the former since that would explain his anger. She was about to answer but he continued on; "The Colonies have been suspicious of Earth ever since you left and the peace has been deteriorating ever since! How could you be so reckless and careless? You shouldn't even be here; you should be overseeing negotiations between the Earth and Colonies, not attending a party."

She felt her skin grow cold, that old feeling of icy numbness just beneath the skin but penetrating all the way to one's soul. He was so concerned about the peace…not about her but about the peace… Why? Why couldn't he just tell her why he was so worried? Why couldn't he just say the reason why he'd stopped her now?! The real reason! That was all she wanted! No, all she wanted was for him to say that he needed her… But he did not need her; apparently he never had… The peace was all he needed to survive…

'_Heero…you truly are killing me aren't you…_' she thought to herself as darkness crept into her peripheral vision and slowly surrounded Heero's figure. Eventually, even Heero's figure succumbed to the darkness, a darkness that was much like the dark of night and his voice faded to nothingness. And she felt so numb…

"Heero…why…?" she whispered, reaching out to the spot where his figure had been only moments before. Icy cold air seeped between her fingers, causing her to shiver for loneliness to creep into her being. She was alone in this darkness, oh so alone and she felt nothing, oddly enough. There was no warmth or love here in this dark place that she had come to; there was nothing. And that disturbed her slightly…

**I run to you,**

**Far away from this town  
Call out your name,**

**Hearing nothing, giving in  
I see you there, father away**

She shivered, looking around her for a means to escape this frigid darkness. She saw none. Desperately, she ran through the inky blackness, her legs feeling oddly heavy. There had to be a way out! There just had to be! "Someone help me!" she cried out, panic gripping her. Her breathing was becoming labored when she finally heard something. She pulled to an abrupt stop, nearly tripping as her body wanted to continue with momentum it had gained, and looked around her desperately.

"This way."

"Heero! You're going to be sorry when I find you!" she shouted, knowing that it was an idle threat as she took off running. It was more to keep him talking so she could follow him. "Heero!!!"

"This way."

**Try to forget you,  
But without you I feel nothing.  
Don't leave me here, by myself.  
I can't breathe  
  
**

"This way," the voice said again, almost monotonously. She frowned as she suddenly felt numb again. She knew that voice… She knew she did…but why could she not place a name to it? She could a few minutes ago… She shook her head; that did not matter. What mattered was that if she followed it, she could be free.

"This way," it said. She had to escape from here; she just had to because it was so frightening. This never-ending void was frightening.

"Come this way, Relena."

'_Just keeping talking, please! I can get out of here if you keep talking! Whoever you are, please…_' she thought, her breathing labored once again. She could not tell how much distance she had covered but it was beginning to feel like miles, her body growing tired with each stride.

She stumbled finally, her body exhausted and she lay there on the black ground—no glass floor, she realized as she saw the barest hint of a reflection where her hand was pressed against it. She lay there, staring at the almost-non-existent reflection of her hand with the side of her face pressed to the cold glass. Where was she? Did it even matter anymore? She would never escape here, not if she couldn't run…

"You can't give up. You're not a quitter…"

She blinked at the voice. She _knew_ it from somewhere… But who… She flexed the hand that lay in her line of vision, her fingers curling against the glass. Who was it? She knew it—she knew him…

"Relena…"

Her eyes slowly widened as she remembered, the tone triggering her memories. A young man—a handsome young man with unruly moss-brown hair and piercing Prussian blue eyes and a steely glare. His voice was deep but with an angered yet indifferent tone to it.

"Heero," she whispered. She grunted as she pushed herself up with shaky arms and swayed slightly on even shakier legs. She had to escape from here, to show him that she wasn't helpless. She began to run again, crying out to him to keep speaking and he did, continually coaxing her in the same direction each time.

"This way…" his voice was beginning to fade, she realized and she frantically called to him again.

"Heero! You can't do this! You can't leave me here!!!"

"Relena…"

She felt lightheaded and her vision swayed, though how she could tell was a mystery. 'What's happening?' she thought as she once again fell to the glass floor. She gasped for air, not understanding why she couldn't get enough into her lungs. Why couldn't she breathe? What was happening?!

**I run to you,**

**Far away from this town  
Call out your name,**

**Hearing nothing, giving in  
I see you there, father away**

"Heero," she gasped, struggling to stand. She looked up and saw his form there. She reached out to him, still gasping for air. Why was he just standing there? Why was he not helping her?

"Heero?" she gasped again.

"Relena."

**I run to you,**

**Far away from this town  
Call out your name,**

**Hearing nothing, giving in  
I see you there, father away,  
Farther away,  
Father away,  
Father away,  
Father away,  
Father away**

He turned away from her then, walking away into the darkness, his foot steps echoing in the empty hollowness of this place. She reached for him again, continually gasping his name and struggling to stand a follow him.

"I thought you were stronger than that," his voice echoed to her and she clenched her fists, forcing herself to stand, though it was painful to do so. Why was she in so much pain?

"I'm…not perfect…like you……So…sue me……you bastard!"

He stopped and glanced at her over his shoulder before continuing to walk away.

"Heero!" she gasped out loud enough to be classified as a shout. "Don't…you dare…leave me…here!"

He made no indication that he'd heard her. "Heero!!!" she screamed, clenching her fists and taking one painful step after another. The distance between them still grew. '_You bastard! I can't believe that you would leave me! Even after I asked you not to!_' she thought to herself.

"HEERO!!!" she screamed again, and jerked, her eyes opening wide to see nothing. Why couldn't she see? And what was on her face? With a gasp she sat up and pulled her face away from where she had buried it into her pillow. Her body shook as it took much needed breaths of oxygen.

How long had she laid like that, with her face in her pillow, slowly suffocating herself in her sleep? The realization was frightening and she threw all her pillows off of her bed, staring at them as they landed in a haphazard pile in the middle of her small bedroom floor. She ran a hand through her chin-length hair, the red dye starting to lighten and give her locks strawberry blonde highlights. Her breathing was slowing now and she pulled her knees up to her chest. She rested her forehead on them, wrapping her arms around herself, and felt tears prick the back of her eyes.

It had been a dream… It had all been a dream… She allowed the tears to fall and soon she was sobbing. It had been so frightening there… She had been trapped in that never-ending emptiness… And he had left her there… Perhaps that was what hurt the most; even though it had been a dream, he had still turned away from her and left her there.

"Oh god…" she sobbed.

'_Heero…would you really leave me alone like that? To die like that?'_


End file.
